1. The Ice Rink
Back in college, I was invited to an ice rink with a girl I liked and some of her friends. I did not know how to ice skate, and I did not pick it up very quickly, but I wanted to try and impress her somehow.
Well, I hugged the wall the whole time and made a fool of myself. The highlight was when I saw a flash of light as I fell in front of a group of people. Turns out I had fallen right at the moment someone took a picture so my failure was immortalized forever.
She took me back to my apartment and ended the relationship before it began.
On a lighter note, the woman who is now my wife was at that ice rink on that night. We didn't realize we were there at the same time until a year or two into our relationship.
Wife: [exclaiming] You were that guy who couldn't ice skate! Yeah, she didn't seem that into you.
Krell47
2. Not A Waiting Shed
He was more than three hours late and was texting me telling me that he was 20 minutes away for two of those hours.
As soon as he arrived he tried to tell me to leave the part of the venue/dive bar I'd already paid into so we could go where he wanted.
He tried to start a fight with a friend I'd happened to run into, and called my aunt (who'd talked me into going out with him in the first place) a "cockblocking witch".
I just walked away from him after that last one, and we never spoke again.
I waited so long because I liked the bands that were playing. I wouldn't have stayed if I was sitting around doing nothing.
He got there just before the last band finished, but I'd had about enough of him by then because he'd been telling me that he was on the train in the same place for two hours.
We don't live out in the middle of nowhere and he could have easily gotten a bus or tram the rest of the way in that time if there was a problem with the train. He never gave me a proper excuse but I didn't really care at that point.
IJustStoppedByToSay
3. Oh, My Guacamole
Made plans with this guy I knew from a charity I was on the board with. He takes me to a chain Mexican restaurant.
I pulled up a few minutes early, but my dad flew a plane and was going to be flying overhead of the restaurant and I wanted to see him fly over. At 8:00 sharp, the guy called me and told me that I was late. I try to explain the whole flyby thing.
He isn't having it.
We go inside and I try to order some food and he tells me that we are not getting food and that I can't eat.
Then he starts going off on major political rants which I'm completely opposed to.
I ask him if this is all a joke or if he really is he is being serious. I finally convinced him to at least get an appetizer. I was not allowed to choose.
He got guacamole (table-side) but only had them put onions in the avocado. I was planning my escape when he asked, "Are you figuring out how you are going to leave?" Yep. Thanks for the one domestic beer.
Bye.
tootleloo
4. Complete Red Flag
I went on a Tinder date with a guy who is now in my contacts as "Donotanswer Penispic."
Before the date, he seemed normal. We texted and talked on the phone then arranged to meet at a restaurant/bar.
He was cute but bitter about something. He was from California and apparently didn't like this new city we were in. He started talking about making love and other sensitive topics. He’s complaining about how uptight everyone here is about it.
He invited the waitress to a party his company was throwing, after sending back the French fries he ordered.
I showed him a picture of my dog on my phone; he took out his phone and showed me a picture of his private part.
We walked out of the restaurant together to get our cars from the valet. My car came first and I left. He texted me later that he had my sweater (apparently I dropped it on the way out) and if I wanted to see it again I'd have to hang out with him.
RIP, sweater.
notorepublic
5. All For Nothing
Finally, a place to tell this story.
I had a very disappointing date in high school. It was the dead of winter. Like - 40 degrees Celsius. We had gone to a movie, and the whole thing was really awkward. She didn't really seem to want to be there and was very detached.
After the movie, and the bus trip home, she admitted that the only reason she even agreed to the date with me was because my friend had turned her down a few days earlier (I wasn't aware of that at the time) That a pretty big let down and waste of time.
But I figured whatever, I'll head home, and find something else to spend time on, I'll get over it eventually.
I got off the bus and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. At the bus stop, there is a thigh-high railing around the front of the nearby parking lot, instead of walking around it, I decided to step onto, it and then over it.
The second I stepped onto it, I realized it was coated in ice. I Charlie browned the fudge out. Just flipped through the air. Lost everything in my pockets. Ripped my pants from my back to the zipper. And then came down hard right onto the railing with my shin, fracturing it.
It's still - 40 degrees out. I can't just lay there till help comes. So I fish around in the snow, grab my stuff, try to stuff my balls back into my pants, and stagger home.
ProtoJazz
6. Reversed Mind
We met on a dating website and went to a sushi place for dinner.
He was a craphole. He told me this. Repeatedly. Almost everything he said ended with "I know I'm a craphole, but at least I'm honest, right?"
The first story he tells me is how he really only joined the dating website to troll people, but then he saw me and thought he'd give going on a real date a shot. Gee, thanks. All his other stories were equally awful.
Also, I'm pretty sure he literally thought no meant yes, and yes meant no. When we were at the restaurant he absolutely INSISTED that I order this one thing.
I said no like five times, but he just kept pushing for it until I ordered it just to shut him up.
Then after dinner, he wanted to go to the mall nearby and hang around. We walked around until we passed this anime/manga store. He asked if I wanted to go in and I said sure, I like that store.
He insisted I didn't. Said he didn't want to force me to go. I said no, I really do want to go in. We went in for like 2 minutes and then he decided he didn't want to force me to do something I didn't want to do and practically dragged me out of the store.
I didn't call him back after that…
[deleted]
7. Too Much Expectations
I was a barista in a cafe during college and this loyal customer asked me out. Took me to sushi, took me to a bar, and bought me a drink. The conversation was good, nothing SPECTACULAR but he was cute and intelligent and funny.
When he takes me home he parks outside of my house and assumes he's coming in. I'm like.... no? Genuinely confused, he asks why not. He says he did everything right, he bought me dinner and a drink, so he should get to come inside, and we should make love now.
Because that's how it goes.
And then we start ARGUING about it and I start to worry that he's going to just like, enter my apartment whether I like it or not.
I have to literally explain that just because he bought me dinner does not mean I have to do it with him.
Then he puts on a Prince CD to try and get me in the mood.
Guy: “Here, just listen to this, Prince is sexy! All girls like Prince!”
I think I may have RUN when I finally got out of his car.
[deleted]
8. Not In Person
I had met this really attractive Russian girl on match.com and after talking for a few days we decided to get dinner.
It was just awkward and she kept on making it purposely more awkward by ignoring me, rolling her eyes and constantly staring around at things. She got really annoyed our food wasn't coming after about 5 minutes.
It was just so bizarre because on the phone we had gotten along pretty great but she just refused to make small talk during the date.
Who does that?
When the waitress came and asked about the check I blurted out "SEPARATE!"
notjawn
9. Heads Up
Took a girl to the movies (I now realize not the best location for first dates)
Our conversation went like so,
Girl: Can my best friend come too?
(there go my chances basically)
Me: Of course she can!
(trying to be nice, was also assuming it was going to be a girl).
Shows up with her friend, who is indeed a guy. This is when I find out that it's her one and only ex, but they remain best friends and nothing is happening between them. (well this date is ruined, let's try to salvage it)
Go to pay for our tickets (me and her), even when she offered to pay for hers. After buying, she turns around and buys her ex's ticket.....
We actually got along fine and they were nice people, but it was like a tug of war for the rest of the night fighting for her attention, of course, I lost, they are best friends.
When I got home the guy added me on Facebook and sent me a message.
Guy: Don't bother trying to date her, she's a terrible girlfriend.
(Thanks for the heads up)
I finally got her alone for one more movie, but it all just sort of fell apart, I actually really liked her, but clearly, I had no effect on her.
Oh well, I guess.
Take note future daters, this is a bad idea…
Davey_meister
10. Too Many Events
I went on an online date with this guy when I first moved back home from college...
We met up and I have a habit of telling my parent "I'm going out, I'll be back later" without specifics, etc. Anyway, this time, she says "Just be careful and if he can't drive, get out of the car."
We were en route to our first destination and it was closed. So, he asked me where I wanted to go and I said, "Hooters and bowling." I know, keep it classy right here.
His driving was so reckless... I mean, REALLY bad. Anyway, we ended up going across town because he wanted to take me to this one place. By this time I've determined I'm not into him and I want out, so I just go along with it, maybe we can be friends, right?
His breaks give out and we end up having an accident. We ran into the back of a truck pretty hard and I jerked forward, glasses flying off. After the smoke settles, when I'm nervous, I start laughing.
Guy: Are you okay?
Me: I’m okay just looking for my glasses
Guy: Oh this is bad, really bad
Me: Why? No insurance?
Guy: No, I have a warrant for my arrest
He gets out of the car and runs. As he's running into the sunset,
Guy: [yells] I'm really sorry, I can't afford to go to jail again.
The person we hit, leaves. So, I'm the only one there and the police show up. I had to call my parent to come pick me up because I have no friends in the area and of course, I gave the cops his info.
I knew I wasn't going to talk to him again. The police gave me a ride to a gas station across the street as I was waiting for someone to pick me up.
I leaned back, took a picture in the cop car, posted it on Facebook, and tagged him in the picture. Somewhere in between the running, he found time to get on Facebook and block me.
The bad part about not just the accident, I didn't even get a chance to enjoy Hooters and Wings.
filmpster
11. My Soul
I was really young, probably about 15 or so. I was boy-crazy. I had a crush on every guy who even remotely expressed an interest in me, but this guy...there are no words to describe this guy.
His name was Jesse. We met through a mutual friend, and while he wasn't exactly my type, he told me he thought I was pretty and so, I wanted to give him a chance.
A couple weeks later we decided to meet up at the mall for our first official date. He was very sweet, we were holding hands, you know typical teenage crap. But then he got weird.
VERY weird.
We're sitting on this bench and he turns to me and stares at me right in the eyes.
Him: Wow, when I look at you, and I look into your eyes I feel like I'm looking into your soul.
Okaaaaay. I'm fifteen and desperate for an epic love story so I just smile. He goes on
Him: Awesome, I know this seems soon but...I think you might be my soulmate. I can't wait until the day we can get married, have babies, and live together. We're going to have such an amazing life together.
So let me recap. I'm fifteen, I'm on a FIRST DATE, and my date just essentially proposed to me.
I noped the fudge out of there and never talked to him again.
DFTBAwesome
12. Interesting Setup
Met her at a party, texted for a few days, and she invited me to her house. Show up, go to her room. Awesome start.
Absorbed by texting. Like the entire room and I melted away and the entire universe did not matter except for the couple of words on her 4" cell phone screen. Bombs could have been dropped, I could've stolen all of her stuffed animals, TV, and clothes and she would never know for hours.
Me: So, how have you been?
Radio silence except for tapping on the phone.
Me: Have you had anything fun the last few days?
Nothing.
I eventually stand up and go exploring in your house, wander into the next room, and get caught by Mom and sister. Crap. But wait. They happen to be setting up Christmas decorations.
They need a strong man to help. The sister is pretty, what the heck, this could turn out much better than expected.
Snorting, farting, crazy, annoying trailer trash is what I find in 5 minutes of conversation. And I'm the only one doing the decorating. Freak this. I say I'm going to leave and everyone goes silent. Really a really awkward exit like I'm some sort of leper.
Fudge that. Terrible. Embarrassing.
The original girl invited me to a Halloween party a few years later and found out she was engaged.
Talked to the dude for a while, (he was sitting down the whole night) and went to leave, he stands up and sticks his hand out for a handshake, bro is missing fingers on his right hand and also has a legit peg-leg.
The guy was dressed as a pirate.
Her life must be interesting.
CynicClinic1
13. The Surprise
Got stood up at a cafe. She called and told me an emergency had come up and she wasn't going to make it.
I had only been waiting for 3 or 4 minutes and wasn't too upset about it, so I called a friend to see what he was doing.
Ended up meeting him across town at the bar he was drinking at, where he introduced me to my date he had just met playing pool there.
[deleted]
14. Little Tricks
Oh, I got this!
So met a girl online and we started talking. Everything was grand. She and I texted often and seemed to be hitting it off well.
So we meet and start having dinner. Everything is good except she just seems a bit off. We ordered a pitcher of margaritas. We each have one and in mid-sentence, she just stops talking and stares at her hands. ‘
Just...looking at them.
Me: Are you okay?
Her: Oh I'm sorry, I'm just really drunk.
Me: Really? We've only had one drink.
Her: Oh, I've been drinking all day.
Now, I stop and think about past conversations. She texted me a lot saying 'Hey I'm a little drunk walking home keep me company'.
I started thinking this might be a trend with her.
She then proceeds to faceplant into the table. I think she's joking because it was so exaggerated. I laugh and realize she isn't moving. I tap her and wake her and I call for the check, which was a looooot more than I'd figured.
She then asked if I could walk her home. I said I would as she was in pretty rough shape. We start walking more and more and then I ask how much farther. She says another mile. So we walk some more and finally get to her place.
She offers me some water and then asks if I want to stay. I politely declined and she kicked me out.
So, that was that. I had to use a GPS to find my way back to my car.
Kingofkeith
15. Just Wow
One of my first dates from OK Cupid...
Met him for lunch during a weekday. His first comment to me was that I looked professional and not like the party girl he was expecting (well...yes because I'm a working professional at noon on a Wednesday, not a stripper.).
He spent the entire lunch bragging about how good he was at his job and how "jacked" he was from his workout regiments.
Then he mentioned he lived with his brother. I told him that was nice and asked him if they were close.
Him: Yeah, well I felt like I had to take him in. He was never quite the same after our mother was murdered
To cap off the experience, On the way out of the restaurant he honored me with this fantastic compliment:
Him: I just wanted to let you know I had a great time with you. You are officially #2 on my list of girls that I'm considering dating. Hopefully, you can rise to #1 by the next date
iknowwhatsup
16. Being Polite
Met this guy who I'd chatted with online. We were both in our early twenties and had been talking online for roughly a week.
He took me to dinner and about half an hour in started telling me that I was the girl he'd been waiting for and how he was so happy to have found me and saw a future with me.
Seriously.
We walk back to the train to get him home after dinner and he insists on sitting and talking for a while. He tells me that I'm only his second girlfriend (oh god we've been on a date for an hour and I was just being polite to him!)
He starts telling me about how he had dated this other girl for a couple of weeks in high school and when she said she wasn't feeling the relationship he was destroyed and tried to kill himself and has been trying to for years because he was so heartbroken.
He then tells me how he's happy to have me now because he's been searching for someone like me.
I try to politely tell him I'm not really interested in a relationship, and we walk back to the train. He puts his arms up for a hug and I oblige, but when I try and pull away he goes in for the kiss and plants the most awkward, uncomfortable smooch on my lips and then breaks away and exclaims.
Him: [exclaims] Oh my god oh my god that was my first kiss! I can hardly breathe I'm so happy this is the best day of my life!!!
I felt awful.
kmo617
17. The Middleman
A few weeks before prom, one of (if not the) prettiest girls in the school didn't have a date yet. I knew she'd fairly recently broken up with her boyfriend so in all likelihood she was holding out, but regardless, that just means most other folks already had dates - it was a small school.
One day I gathered up enough balls to ask if she'd like to go with me. We'd been casually talking in the hallways before school, but nothing crazy. I didn't for a minute think she liked me.
Surprisingly, she said yes.
Over the next few weeks, I'd stop by and see her at work after school or on weekends. One day she was feeling particularly crappy and I (cheesily) had flowers delivered in an effort to cheer her up.
Back then I lacked a lot of confidence, so I was quite good at being the nice guy for a girl while she pined over someone else.
Anywho, to move the story along we get to prom. it's catered - she doesn't talk much at the table, to me or anyone. The evening goes on and things don't change much. Her mind is just elsewhere. eventually, the music cranks up.
I'm not a huge fan of dancing and I was feeling pretty defeated myself at this point, so I stepped out for a few minutes to gather my crap and came back in right around the time the first slow song came on.
We started dancing, and about midway through her complete, arrogant, jerk of an ex walks up... cuts me out, and tells me he was taking over. She proceeds to spend the whole evening with him, essentially (quite happily I might add).
It was the tradition at our school for groups to arrange a trip after prom as well, and we'd both decided to go to the same one (a theme park). but of course, he did too.
As you can imagine nothing else changed over the next couple of days. They sat together on the bus and basically spent the whole time up each others' asses and she didn't speak to me the rest of the time.
And just to add this to it, even though it's (for me) the least hurtful piece... I paid for everything. her ticket, the photos, the trip. she paid for her dress and that was about it. once all was said and done I realized that she really just wanted a way in.
She was a sophomore and couldn't go unless she went with an upperclassman - I was a junior. good enough.
Which seems fitting. I've always been, and felt, "good enough"
[deleted]
18. Text Message
I was on a first date with a girl I had met through doing some community theatre. We'd gone to the movies to see "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs." Before the movie, we were chatting and slowly realizing that it definitely wasn't meant to work out.
We just had too many conflicting interests and opinions. It made the experience incredibly uncomfortable, especially because we started lightly arguing over things like politics and religion.
I was young and I was an idiot.
Anywho, before the movie started I texted another friend of mine to tell her (the friend) how terribly the date was going. And then I heard that fateful sound. Immediately after clicking "send" on my phone, my date's phone chimed. She pulled it out of her purse and read whatever text had come in. She then slowly turned to me and asked...
"Did you MEAN to send that to me?"
I immediately realized and explained that I had just opened up whatever the most recent message in my inbox was and replied to that, with the intention of texting my friend. Or perhaps I'd clicked the wrong name in my contacts list (they both were the only names beginning with M in my phone.) Needless to say, she was pretty upset.
I explained that, despite our differences, I really enjoyed her company. I really did, because she was brilliant and beautiful. Certainly out of my league. So we continued the date as friends which was more awkward than we had anticipated.
After the movie, we went our separate ways. When I got back to my apartment, I texted that same friend again about how that date was incredibly uncomfortable and I doubted that there would be a follow-up.
My phone chimes.
"You sent it to me again."
Rocktopus_PhD
19. A Plot Twist
Girl I had been seeing for a bit. We had agreed earlier that week that I'd pick her up at around 8 from her place. Call her around 7:30 just to confirm that she's ready, no pickup.
Call again at 8:15, no pickup. Text her, no answer. At this point, I had been stood up and I was basically over it. Went to a bar by myself to eat and drink in shame.
Then out of the blue a great friend calls and says "Hey man, I've got two girls with me if you want to hang out with us three" -- yay!
No better way to get over being ditched, right? So we go to this great bar and we're having a blast. I walk up to the bar to get drinks and holy crap, it's her. The girl who ignored my texts (at this point she had finally answered my texts and was being witchy/shady)
Was sitting at the bar with this admittedly taller and better-looking guy than me who had a freaking Australian accent of all damn things (no hate, my Aussie friends, but over here it's basically a panty-dropper for college-aged girls). So I casually walk up and I'm like "Hey guys! how's it going?!"
The look on her face was freaking priceless. They both ended up flunking out of the bar after I forced a really awkward conversation. At that point it was pretty comical to me and had already determined I was done with her, so I had a little fun with it.
She called me three weeks later to "hang out."
Denied!
anomalous
20. Sunday Funday
Movie at 4:00 PM, Sunday. I bought her a ticket and waited until 4:10 PM before texting her that I left her ticket at the booth and went in to get seats.
She shows up thirty minutes late. She promptly fell asleep once she sat. After twenty minutes, she throws up all over the place and runs off to the bathroom to clean up.
When I follow to help, she throws a fit and tells me to stay, to watch her purse and the movie. I sit in a different seat. She comes back and falls asleep with her head on my lap.
Everyone within a five-seat radius of us moved because the smell was still absolutely HORRID. I realize she went to an extended bottomless mimosa Sunday brunch (a cultural staple in my city).
Ten minutes later, it happens again. This time she stays where she is because it is that after-puke vomit that you think you can get away with when you're drunk because it wasn't very much and no one noticed.
My pants and shoes have been soiled. I wake her and tell her we are leaving. She demands we stay. She doesn't want to ruin the movie. I say we are leaving right now. She gets LOUD like a dying animal and refuses again.
People hush us. She falls asleep with her head on my lap. Any movement or effort to get up results in loud animalistic whining. The movie ends and the lights go on. It's everywhere.
The seats in front of us, the floor, her clothes, my pants, my shoes.
We leave quickly. Halfway out the door, she announces: "You forgot my purse." I spend about ten minutes looking for it before an usher brings it to me, dripping in bile.
Going by the strike system: late for the movie, puked on me, refused to leave, said "I" forgot her purse, and DIDN'T INVITE ME TO SUNDAY FUNDAY.
Ender110
21. Sudden Burst Outs
Not the worst, but definitely the weirdest. I was on a date with this girl who seemed great. Good looking, funny, and shared similar interests.
First date, and we're sitting in some bar where she's a regular at discussing ourselves when it starts getting to the basic first date questions.
Me: So, you said you work in an office but is that what you really want to do? Did you go to school for it
Her: Actually, I’m currently going to clown school.
I kid you not, this girl had pulled out a red freaking clown nose and put it on.
Now, if this was our third date, I would have been less shocked. However, we had been talking for a week and this was the first date.
We are supposed to IMPRESS each other. But she was good-looking, and I wanted to hook up.
Me: Oh! That's so cool. I didn't know clown school was actually a thing.
Her: Oh, no, it's competitive!
Me: I had no idea. So are you in clown university, clown college, clown technical school?
And then she took my joke as an attack.
For a clown, she had a terrible sense of freaking humor.
AlfieTorpedo
22. Impractical Decision
Met a girl through a mutual friend, about 10 years ago. I ask her on a date, she says sure, and she adds me to MSN (Like I said, 10 years ago). We chat occasionally in the days leading up to the date, everything seems fine.
The day before, she says it's actually our mutual friend talking, this time. "My friend," asks what I have planned - I say drinks then a walk around downtown.
"My friend" says she really thinks "she" would prefer dinner and this fancy guided tour of the city. I say sure, like an idiot. Oh, also, I'm a poor first-year university student.
Anyway, we have dinner, and it's about $100 total.
The conversation is terrible - she comes from a family of WASPs and doesn't understand problems outside of her bubble. The tour costs $60, and she spends the entire time texting.
She then insists on getting dessert at this bakery, which was actually an entire cake, there's another $25. We get it in a box, and she says we can go back to her place to eat it. So I'm thinking at least the evening isn't a total loss.
Get back to her place, and as she's putting the cake in the fridge, she says she had a good time, but she's not feeling it, and says she needs to go to bed.
I never saw her on MSN again.
baconwiches
23. Puppy Date
I was 14. He had a crush on me and sat behind me in Social Studies, but we didn't talk much. I agreed to go on a date with him because I was flattered he asked.
He brought his sister and she stayed with us the whole date. He picked the movie, so I was forced to sit through "Are We There Yet?"
Afterward, he didn't talk, just sort of stared at me. So freaking awkward. And then he decided it would be a good idea to yell "I LOVE YOU" out of the window as they drove away...?
Yikes.
danidonovan
24. He Misunderstood
Finally, my time to shine and I see this way too freaking late. Here goes anyway.
Met a guy on OK Cupid who seemed pretty cool and we hit it off pretty well in messages. Pics showed a pretty nice-looking body too, so that was a plus.
He suggested we meet at a restaurant/bar that always had (extremely loud) live music. He shows up, 20 minutes late, with 2 black eyes. And I'm not talking about small bruises here.
Each black circle was approximately the size of the dinner roll I was currently munching on. I asked him what happened and he just sat there silently. Ok... I tried asking a few more questions and he kept asking me to repeat myself.
I chalked it up to the fact that this place was loud to begin with and a band had just started playing which made it even louder.
Then I realized he was trying to read my lips and that he had pretty obvious hearing aids.
I had failed to notice them initially because I couldn't stop staring at the bruises on his face. I started to feel bad that he was having a hard time understanding me because the place was so noisy.....but he suggested we meet here.
I asked if he wanted to go somewhere that wasn't so loud and he got really offended. He started yelling that I was an insensitive witch who shouldn't point out people's disabilities.
When I tried to say that it wasn't my intention; I just wanted to be able to have a conversation he told me to "choke on it" and walked out.
CluelessShoeless
25. Too Smart
I had just moved to a new town and was asked out on a date by a cute, nice, funny guy, not my usual type. Top five worst dates EVER. (Long. Sorry. Not sorry)
I meet him at a restaurant and things are going well, he has a decent sense of humor and a very interesting background. Just as the food reaches the table, he asks me a question (I don't even remember what it was) and so I answer and think nothing of it....
Until I realize he's overly quiet. At first, I just thought it was because he was into his food but he was barely even eating so I asked him if his food was ok to which he replied "Yeah, it's just... Never mind."
I leave it alone, assuming he'll bring it up when he's ready and start talking about the first topic that pops into my head. After 10-15 minutes he still hasn't said a word so I start to get bored and mention that I am getting tired and that we should get our checks.
He puts his fork down on his plate, grabs my hand, leans over the table and whispers.
Him: You use really big words sometimes. You know that?
I am speechless. I have never even thought about the words that I use since whatever I think usually comes out of my mouth before I even have time to process it so I have no idea what he's talking about and mention that to him.
Him: You just come off so condensating.
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Him: You're condensating.
Me: (frantically looks down to make sure I'm not sweating profusely/slobbering drool and then it clicks) Wait, do you mean condescending?
Him: No. You're condensating. Sheesh (or a variation of a relieved sound)
For a second there you had me worried that you were too smart for me.
After dinner, I let him walk me to my car and gently nudged him away after he tried to kiss me goodnight.
He got mad and said that he was hoping to get at least a little dry humping out of the date but knew we were doomed when I asked for separate checks.
Him: Cause chicks that won't let guys pay are too butch for my taste"
To which I replied
Me: Condensation is when vapor turns into water. Now I'm being condescending.
dearhoney
26. What a Humor
Sat down for a first date after being set up by a mutual friend in a nice Chinese restaurant because my friend said we had similar senses of humor.
Her phone goes off before we even order, she speaks for about a minute, hangs up, and immediately apologizes, saying "It was just my mother, she wanted to make sure I hadn't taken advantage of"
My response of "Not on an empty stomach" determined we DID NOT have similar senses of humor.
[deleted]
27. Brazilian Food
Back in high school, I went on a date with this cute girl I met in my Spanish class. She was pretty much the first girl I ever tried to talk to, for I was a late bloomer and pretty freaking socially awkward.
Anyway, we went with her parents to her church for this dinner. I forgot what they were celebrating. It was this Brazilian church and the food was freaking awesome. Everyone was speaking Portuguese and I being an awkward little white kid, sat in the corner and minded my own.
So, the next part of the date was a trip to the movies.
They wanted to see Saw 4. Well, on the way, I have a massive wet fart. The Brazilian food was a shock to my system and I was starting to panic.
I go to the movie theater bathroom to try to dive-bomb a quick poop, and BAM. I crap on myself. My jeans, my underwear, It's everywhere. I wrapped my hoodie around my waist to hide my crap-stained pants and sat in the theater, for the whole movie, smelling like the worst crapI've ever taken.
In between her and her dad. We dated for 2 years after that and I never told her about it. I wonder if she knew.
kingbabycat
28. The Emotional
When I was 15 I was invited over to this girl's place. I had a crush on her for ages. Watched The Notebook. She started to cry.
Locked herself in the bathroom for two hours. I couldn't comfort her or convince her to come out again.
Read newspapers and magazines in her living room for two hours and even left before she came out.
I was so helpless and confused that I didn't dare to visit girls at home for a long time.
odd_bacon
29. Real Her
Met a girl at the bar on my birthday. She was there with a friend of my gf. We hit it off, but I got pretty drunk eventually and am off my game. As I'm leaving, she chases me down and asks for my number.
I'm quite shocked at this point because she's extremely attractive and I figured I made a fool out of myself.
We decide to meet up for dinner and drinks, and I am to pick the place.
Wanting to go somewhere new and nice, I pull up UrbanSpoon and find a reasonably priced restaurant with a menu that sounds awesome.
We get there and I immediately realize I have made a snafu. This is a gay bar. That's cool with me, I have a couple of gay/lesbian friends and am comfortable around them. Her on the other hand, not so much.
She constantly makes fun of our waiter and the people around us, dropping slurs and being an all-around awful human being.
I finished my food in silence (at least the chorizo mac and cheese was delicious) and got the heck out of there.
OdoyleStillRules
30. A Camera
This was 20+ years ago now so it long predates (heh) online dating. A friend set me up with a lady he knew who'd asked him to do so. While I usually don't go in for blind dates, I figured what the heck, how bad could it be? I called her, set a time and we liked the same foods, etc, so picking a place was easy.
I arrived at her place to pick her up (she didn't have a car, so wanted me to do so) and her mother answered the door. "OK," thought I, "So she lives with Mom. No biggie." I mean, I was in my 20s then and she was in college, so that wasn't terribly unusual. We get in the car and start driving.
As we proceeded to the restaurant, I noticed a car following us. A bit weird but not out of the question, so I pay little attention to it except as a coincidence.
We arrive at the restaurant, and park and I am holding the door for her to go inside, I see her mother sitting in the car that'd been following us. OK, now I was a little creeped out but the young lady hadn't said anything so I figured as long as I wasn't marrying her, it'd be fine.
Dinner goes well until I get up to use the restroom midway through. That's when I saw her mother sitting in the booth behind us.
I did a double take, went to the restroom, and came back. Mom asks me if I washed up. "Um, yes ma'am." Getting weirder by the minute here. After sitting down, I asked my date if this was normal. "Oh, yes. Mother always chaperones my dates. I've gotten used to it." Right about then I heard the crazy mom-stabbing music bit from the Norman Bates movie in my head.
I wrapped the date up in a bit of a blur, took the young lady home, and promptly "lost" her number. My buddy asked how it went later, so I told him. he thought I was joking.
Sadly, no, I said. He pointed out it could have been worse: the mother could have assumed I'd buy her dinner too!
JustNilt
31. Begging You
Well... might as well go ahead and tell this story to all of you lovely people.
I started sending a few messages back and forth with this girl from OkCupid and she seemed pretty cool so we decided to meet up and go get a bite to eat. I drove down to pick her up and texted her when I was parked outside.
I got a reply saying that she would be right out. I decided that I should get out of my car just so that way it would be way easier to spot where I was at. After a few minutes, I heard a "Hey Chicknzstin!" and turned to see her.
I knew things were off to start with because she was easily 60+ pounds heavier than any of the pictures that she had posted on OKC. Whatever, weight isn't terribly important to me, so I say hello back and we get in my car and start to drive to the restaurant.
Within ten minutes of driving and small talk, she turns to me and says, "Chicknzstin, where do you see our relationship going?" I awkwardly say that I don't really know since we just met. I tell her that I'm on OKC because I am looking to start a relationship but it is just way too early to tell.
After a few minutes, she turns and tells me that the house I picked her up isn't actually hers. She is living there currently and is staying with her ex-boyfriend, however, the ex also lives with his mother.
The kicker is that the mother doesn't know that she is staying there. So basically she has been sneaking in and out of the place.
We proceed to have a rather awkward lunch with a bit more small talk and once we finish eating, she asks if we can go to the park. I should have noped out of there as I was already feeling pretty uncomfortable with the situation, however, we went to the park which is where the real horror started.
As we're walking around the park the girl gets a phone call. It's the ex-boyfriend and he tells her that his mother has come home early and that she can't come back for a while.
The girl is clearly upset after hanging up and turns to me. "Chicknzstin. Can I stay with you tonight? I really want to be your woman." Stunned, but retaining my senses I tell her that she can't stay with me and that I'm really not comfortable with the situation.
I tell her that I'll drop her off at Starbucks later.
I decided to run to the bathroom really quickly and began to frantically text all of my friends telling them to call me and say that they were locked out of the apartment and needed my help.
I probably should have just told the girl that I needed to leave, but I wasn't thinking clearly anymore.
Eventually one of my friends calls me and I tell her that I have to go let him in the apartment. The girl and I get in the car and proceed to the nearest Starbucks. When we pull up to Starbucks the girl turns to me and again begs to stay with me tonight as she still wants to be my woman.
I tell her no and then she starts to cry. Not a few tears, but straight-out bawling. I'm sitting there awkwardly when I start to smell a strong hint of urine. I look down and she has clearly pissed herself in the front seat of my car.
At that point, I told her to please get out of my car and when she did I drove to a nearby gas station and proceeded to clean my car.
Chicknzstin
32. Wrong Setting
When I was 16 I was into punk rock and being an angsty atheist. Some guy in my religion class asked me if I wanted to go to a local rock show with him. I agreed.
Turned out the "rock show" was a church youth group with a Christian rock band. I showed up in fishnets, combat boots, and a leather jacket.
It was extremely awkward.
angry_manatee
33. Asked For It
In summary: Long time ago, my girlfriend decided at the last minute she wanted to do dinner and a movie after weeks of her saying she didn't want to do anything for Valentine's Day.
All restaurants were full/busy so we ended up at Burger King. The movie she was dying to go see? Schindler's List.
Bad to worse: I refused to leave the movie. She sobbed through most of the first half and pleaded that we leave at the intermission.
Nope.
I paid for it and she wanted to see it so damned bad -- we were staying.
Arch27
34. Too Much Info
First date. Dinner at his mother's.
With his brother and the mother's crazy housemate. After dinner, we watched Iron Chef with all of them while sitting on the floor because there weren't enough chairs.
His mother was talking to us about using vibrators when doing the housework to make it more enjoyable.
He didn't even live with his mother.
First and only date.
beksicles
35. Big Guys
I was talking to this fairly attractive girl on OkCupid (I know right). I had left up a picture on my profile of back when I had a lot of weight on me. About 300 lb and 5'10. The picture was really only about a year old.
After much exercise and dieting, I was about 190 and in great shape. I didn't think much of the picture and thought it would help to weed out the shallow girls.
This fairly attractive girl, we'll call her FA for short, wanted to meet up. FA had some of the geeky interests I had sought and like I said, attractive (I was shallow, yes but we had enough in common).
We decided to meet at the Denny's in the college town. I went there after work and she sent me a text saying she was inside already.
I went inside and let the hostess know I was there to meet someone and she was there.
I described her and the hostess said that she hadn't seen anyone like that. About a minute later, I got a text from FA and it said something like: "I only like bigger guys, Sorry"(I don't remember what the actual text said, this was 2 years ago).
It's still the only moment in my dating experience where, being in shape, was a negative for me. For all those curious, I am fat again(nothing near what I was). But I put on about 20 lbs due to my current girlfriend being preggers and forcing her cravings on me.
But have no fear, I'll get back down to fighting weight.
lumenation
36. The Seed
This started badly but ended alright...
My date and I were strip-searched at the Detroit-Windsor, Canada border (in separate rooms). Driving over to Canada is a normal thing to do for <21 y.o. Americans.
On this particular trip, Canadian customs found a seed on the floor of my back seat, and it escalated from there.
They didn't find anything and let us go eventually.
I thought she would never talk to me again and it was awkward at first, but after a few drinks, we had a good laugh out of it.
beelzeboozer
37. Me Vs Her Phone
Probably the one where I went and picked the girl up, and took her bowling ( her idea). She was freaking texting the whole freaking time. Whole freaking time.
She said her friend was going through something. Cool, I can respect that. But when I have to spend more than an hour with someone I barely know and I can't talk with you for more than 10 seconds without you looking at your phone.
It sucks.
[deleted]
38. Burst Outs
May turn out kinda long, but here’s mine: Met a girl on an online dating site, and the banter & flirting was going well, so we agreed to meet up for a date. This girl was a bright beacon of hope compared to my previous year’s worth of dating experiences, so I thought I’d try and make an impression.
I had just gotten $100 gift certs for the Keg, so I thought we’d do that for dinner, and see where it went from there.
The girl was a fitness instructor, lived up to her pics, and actually was able to keep up the conversation with me during dinner. Things were going well. In the middle of dinner (the middle, like food half-eaten on our plates), she excuses herself for a minute.
Figured it was a bathroom run. She comes back a few minutes later, reeking of smoke. Sure enough, she had snuck outside for a cigarette, when she had mentioned before she doesn’t like smokers. (and who goes for a smoke in the MIDDLE of eating?)
Thought it was odd, but whatever. Dinner for the most part going well, so we decided to keep it going. I offer coffee, she says no, she knows a place.
We end up at a pub close to my house (convenient, but kind of creepy at the same time as I had not told her where I lived) that is hosting karaoke night. I order a pitcher, and I go to look for the songbook.
Turns out this karaoke company only has ONE songbook for the entire bar. I track it down, and we start looking through it. She sings a song that sounds okay and sits down to brag about her years of singing lessons.
I get up and sing ‘Stacy’s Mom’, and then sit down to her saying I picked the wrong song, it wasn’t ‘serenade-y’ enough. (The flags start going up now…)
And… the finale: She goes to the bathroom/smoke again, and as she does, 2 girls that just arrived (not attractive, either) find that I have the only book in front of me, so they sit across the table from me, grab the book and start perusing.
Not a single word was spoken between us. My date comes back and LOSES IT. A full-on screaming fest begins. “How DARE you hit on other women!” etc… I'm a bit buzzed, so I laugh it off and say “Don’t be crazy, they’re just looking at the songbook”. Apparently “crazy” is the button on this girl.
She starts throwing things and screaming even more. Everyone just backs up, and bouncers come and kick her out. They come to me, and ask “Is that your girlfriend?” to which I reply “god no, you just watched the end of our only date”. They laugh, I pay for what was on my tab and leave. I check my phone, she’s sent me about 30 texts in about 3 minutes.
I get 2 steps out the door, and WHAM! She takes a full-on swing at me and connects. She takes another, I duck it and run back into the bar.
They end up calling the cops, and she gets carted away in shiny new bracelets
Apotheotika
39. Lifting His Chair
Late, but I have to share this one. Beginning of the date, the guy keeps talking about how he's "classic" and he'd describe himself as a "modern James Bond" and more egocentric bullcrap.
Then as we're walking to the restaurant he checks his phone and finds he got a C on an exam. He spent the rest of the date sulking, sighing loudly, and giving the most curt responses possible until I finally stopped trying to make conversation.
The rest of the date was spent in absolute silence.
After we paid for dinner (he asked for separate checks) he says (direct quote): "Well... that sucked" in reference to the dinner.
Why yes, yes it did. Craphole.
[deleted]
40. She Thought
Met a girl at a party. Almost by accident, I wound up playing it super cool. We decided on a date then and there for next week. She thinks she has a date with this cool guy. She doesn't.
Before the date, I got the great idea to send her a fax (this was the '90s, I'm old) to sort of help her get to know me. Very jokey, etc. Rather than coming off as endearing, it just seemed to have washed all the coolness off of me. I guess the fax achieved its purpose.
She went on the date. I wish she hadn't. She clearly no longer wanted to be there; it was kind of like going on a date with a hostage. One-word answers, no laughter, checking her watch, telling me she was moving out of state soon, etc.
I got her back, though. I knew we had zero chemistry, but at the end of the night, I went in for the kiss anyway, tongue and all. She went with it, but I swear I could feel her counting the seconds.
Lessons learned: Sometimes it is ruder to be "polite" than to be honest. And I'm too dorky for dating.
jimmyjazz2000
41. Blood is Thicker
I'm probably too late, but here's my time to shine.
When I was at university, I went on a date with a classmate. I didn't know her very well, we'd just done some group work together and figured what the hell.
So we're at lunch, chatting, and learning we're from the same hometown. Start diving into folk we know, old haunts, and I bring up a concert series I used to run. She knows someone who played it! The musician is married to her cousin! But she never made it out to one of the shows.
Me: Oh, which musician? Oh, the one who is married to my second cousin..? Hold on, who is your grandmother?
Her: I just realized, I think your grandmother's sister.
Me: Okay, see you in class.
We've run into each other at some family events since.
It is always awkward.
[deleted]
42. Hush Woman
Man, you guys, and gals have had some truly terrible dates. I've had some bad ones but not nearly that bad.
A recent one that sticks out was a girl I had started chatting with on Tinder (yeah whatever). She was chatty and nice over texts so we decided to meet up. I suggested going for a stroll down by the waterfront, and getting some ice cream since it was a hot sunny lovely day.
Well, we met up and in person, this was the quietest girl I've ever encountered. I just couldn't for the life of me get her to actually talk about anything for more than a few seconds, just to factually answer my questions.
It wound up being one of those dates where I felt like I was just interrogating her to try to keep us talking, not actually having a conversation.
But whatever happens, some people are shy. The part that I couldn't handle though was that she seemed to insist on walking a few steps behind me, as if she was an obedient conservative wife following her husband around or something.
Every time she'd start doing it I'd slow down, thinking "Oh I must just be walking too fast for her", but she'd slow down to match my slower pace and still remain a step or two behind me.
Eventually, I'd slow down so much that we just stopped moving, at which point I could kind of turn around and get her alongside me again and then start her walking again.
Very bizarre and very difficult to carry on a conversation with someone when they are neither talking nor even walking in a position where I can comfortably talk to them.
[deleted]
43. The Prom
Sophomore year of high school, I took an interesting fellow to prom. My boyfriend couldn't go, so I wasn't going to. Then this other boy asked me. I knew who he was, but I didn't really know him. He was... Interesting.
Didn't shower. Wore full camouflage attire at all times. Carried around a shoebox of who knows what. Was afraid of my pet cat when he came to pick me up. He was very polite at first. Then halfway through prom, we were dancing together and he asked me to piss myself for him.
What? The rest of the night was awkward, I pretended to fall asleep on the car ride so I could ignore him. It was so weird.
After prom, for at least two weeks, he reminded a buddy of mine every day in class that he was lucky enough to get to take me to prom.
Everyone reminded me for the rest of the year "Well, at least when he goes crazy and shoots up the school, he'll probably spare you." Yeah... He ended up salutatorian of his class.
During his graduating speech, he thanked me for taking him to prom because he never would have gone to a school dance in his whole life if I hadn't taken him.
The whole experience was awful for me, but I'm glad he had a good night. I even let him kiss me on the cheek when he dropped me off at my boyfriend at the time's house after prom.
meownikki
44. All About Them
With my ex a couple of years ago. She had had a very busy semester, so we almost never went out. And most of the free time she had, she wanted to spend with some friends from her classes.
So after a while, we both decided to set aside the next Saturday for a date night. We were gonna try this new Thai place.
Saturday morning we were talking on the phone, and she said "So I´m gonna eat some Thai food tonight with my friends. You can come with us if you want to?" That sentence made me so angry, I couldn't even think straight.
I told her I would go because she said she was going to pay, and I´m petty as fudge and wanted her to spend that money. We broke up soon after that.
CaptainFartsNStripes
45. Karaoke Night
Sunday evening, first date. We met up at a K-town and he strongly insisted on karaoke which was strange for a Sunday night but we compromised to at least eat at a karaoke spot.
He then led me to those private karaoke rooms, ordered microphones, picked out boy band songs, and started caressing my arm (10 min into meeting him).
He wanted me to cuddle but got upset when I said I was uncomfortable.
The whole thing was just awkward.
Token_avocado