1. Ratatatata
When I was a kid I got the Sabrina the Teenage Witch "Handbook". It was full of kiddies’ experiments and stuff and was pretty fun.
My older sister had upset or annoyed me about something, so I tried out one of the 'tricks' from the book. You fill a cup with water and some corn kernels, put some tinfoil on top of the cup. The kernels eventually pop and it makes noise against the tinfoil.
I put it under her bed, it takes a few days to "work", so I completely forgot about it, until one night I woke up to my two sisters whispering. It had popped in the middle of the night and she thought there was a rat under her bed.
caca_milis_
2. If 2+2=4 then 50x50 ought to be 500 right?
I had a guy in school who would always skip class and then ask for my notes. We had a group project worth almost 40% of our grade and he did zero work, and the prof told me tough luck. Instead of just saying no the next time he asked for notes, I took the low road and began giving him edited versions.
I would leave items out of lists, incorrectly define things or just straight up write stuff that makes no sense.
An example of the crap I would put in: To calculate return on investment, subtract your yearly earnings from your current bank balance, then multiply by Echer's factorial (4.22).
If he had even once bothered to crack the text he would have figured it out, but that apparently would have been too much effort for him. He retook that class.
failing_forward
3. Here’s the “I” in TEAM
This happened to my SO when he was at university. His class were doing presentations in pairs, and he got paired with some girl who didn't bother to bring notes or research information for their presentation. She instead let him do all the work, and any slides she did were made from his notes and research. He complained to his tutor and she told him "Don't worry, leave it to me". And then the day of the presentation comes.
They present, and then at the end the tutor asks the girl a question. If I remember correctly the question was something like "Is there any evidence to suggest that some cultures are more prone to mental health problems?". And the girl answered no. The tutor then asked my SO the exact same question, and because he'd actually read the research on the topic, he was able to list several studies that showed that some cultures are in fact more prone to mental health issues.
The girl glared at him the entire time he answered the tutors question. Pretty sure she ended up with a D, while he got an A or B.
Lil_Night
4. Who opened my lunch box?
Someone in my office would always crush lunches with his gigantic lunch box. Either he ate bricks or lead, I don't know, but I always came to the office fridge and found that my lunch was in pieces.
So, after three bouts of this, and numerous notes from myself and other colleagues, I carefully removed his lunch box, emptied the contents (a gigantic sandwich, a Twinkie, chips, some vegetable pieces, and a few other bits), and ran over them with my car. I carefully packed it back in, and put it back.
He kept his lunch in a cooler by his cube from then on.
AR3leatherworks
5. Polly the parrot goes to school
This dude in my accounting class in high school used to ask me for answers to questions, only to spout them to the teacher like he'd worked them out, thereby looking like a genius and getting credit for my work.
One day our teacher comes into class with a pierced tongue and is talking sort of funny. Terry, as his name is, proceeds to use it as a point of conversation. "Hey miss, do you have any other piercings, like your ear?" "No,"she responds, thinking he's making an inane conversation. "Would you get your nose pierced?" He keeps asking, just to prolong the time before class starts.
As usual, he leans over asking for help. "What are some other good things to ask her?" I was annoyed that he always asked for my help to benefit him, so I thought I'd have some fun. "Labia, ask if she's going to get her labia pierced." "What is a labia?"
Oh, sorry, it means eyebrow, that's like the piercing name for it. Like how a tragus is that nose piercing, yeah?" "Oh cool! Hey miss, are you going to get your labia pierced next?"
Every girl, and especially the teacher, in the class looked at him like he was trash, and he tried blaming me, but I brushed it off gracefully.
Aidyfarman
6. Play stupid games…
I had a 6 month school internship at a mobile phone store. The boss was a jerk that treated his school-interns like full paid workers (even gave me some concerning money-responsibilities).
A while after the internship he called to tell me I would have to give a statement at court. He had a problem with some customers and a shipment and he planned to tell the court that he explained everything concerning shippings precisely. Of course he didn't. And of course I didn't lie in front of the judge. My boss' attorney gave me a look I will never forget when he realized his stupid plans didn't work out. Few weeks later my now-ex-boss tried to call me again. I didn't pick up.
overbread
7. No take-backs
My mom was a language teacher at my high school and years after I had graduated, she called me kind of upset because a group of guys was trying to make her look dumb. The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish, and had a week or so to prepare it, then had to perform it in front of the class. When she called for them to do theirs, they said, "But we already did ours, we're not doing it again." She said, "You definitely didn't do it, I don't have any record of it here and I would remember it if you had." They refused to do it, insisting they already performed it and that it was her fault she didn't take notes/scores down. She was feeling puzzled and questioning herself, when one of the good kids came and said, "They didn't do it - they were bragging about making you look stupid and threatened the whole class if they told you anything. But please don't tell them I told you this, I don't want any problems with them." (These were those stereotypical dumb jock types who everyone was scared of for whatever reason).
My mom was really into yoga at the time and got a great idea while meditating. She went in the next day and said, "Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don't know how I forgot!" She went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, that their dialogue hadn't been as long as required, that they didn't include the necessary vocabulary, etc. All made up. She failed them all on the project and they couldn't do a thing about it without admitting they'd made it all up.
A_dizzle_dizzle
8. Hello, you’ve got mail
I was in a big meeting (50 managers/supervisors) and two high level guys made fun of my car (Subaru Outback) in their presentation.
I had access to their personal info (phone numbers, address, emails) and sent it to the Subaru sales group, asking for a test drive/quotes/etc. They got spammed pretty well for a while.
0124NN
9. Idea thief
A woman I work with literally stole this great story that I tell about me being in the same hospital at the same time that my niece was born. She tells it as if it was her husband and she was in the hospital giving birth. She's a known one-upper, everything you do she did it better, faster, it was worse for her etc etc so it didn't surprise me when a coworker told me she regularly tells clients that story.
So now, every single day as I get in I pour a tiny bit of my water bottle out on her desk, chair or on the carpet somewhere in her office.
In my mind mold is slowly growing in her office, her skirt gets wet when she sits down or any fresh documents she sits on her desk get sat right in the small puddle of water.
b8le
10. Blacklisted
In the 80s (when I was in elementary school) I had a bully who lived down the street. I also have a sister that's 10 years older than me. One night, the best memory I have with my sister, we spent the entire night calling infomercial numbers and having stuff delivered COD (cash on delivery) to my bully's parents house.
Back in the day you could refuse delivery for COD stuff and then you were put on lists via mail order to not accept COD for that address. I have no idea how much stuff was ever delivered. I was in 5th grade, moved to a different school system for 6-12 than that chick and I don't even know her last name to look her up on FB.
Commoncoitusy
11. Is that mine?
In Texas, there is a law that allows the US to take certain possessions to satisfy a debt owed, such as from a lawsuit. So this defendant had been committing Medicare fraud, got caught, and had to pay back the money. He's also a total jerk during the lawsuit -- obstructionist, rude, etc. When the US finally has its judgment and he's pleading poverty, the US
Attorney that ran the suit basically ends up walking through the "impoverished" guy's multi-million dollar house to hand pick what is going to be seized. He takes the big ticket items that he's allowed, but it's not going to be enough -- so then he just starts taking little things to piss the guy off. Book half-read on the nightstand? Gone. Can't take the garage -- but you can take the garage door-opener, so...gone. I don't know what else he took but I think the idea is brilliant. The book would piss me off so much.
DeaconFrostedFlakes
12. Shush, I’m studying here
Back in college, I was sitting in the library trying to work on an assignment. All was quiet for a while until this one obnoxious guy came in and sat at a table near me and proceeded to pull out his phone and have the loudest, most obnoxious conversation with one of his friends. Lots of "Bro, seriously bro?" and yadda yadda. I was about to pack up my things and find somewhere else to work when the conversation turned to Netflix. The guy told his friend he should just use his account, and proceeded to loudly state his email address and password for all to hear. This was too good of an opportunity for me to pass up, so I promptly logged in and navigated to the "LGBT" section and started adding the gayest movies I could find to the top of the queue.
I like to think that both guys ended up thinking the other one added the movies to the queue but were too shocked to ever say anything to each other.
yeahtrue
13. You got served
When I was 17, my first love dumped me for a friend of mine. That friend continued to unceremoniously dump all the rest of our friends too, by spreading rumors about them. No one was happy with this witch (who will be now referred to as simply "witch"). Not only that, but allegedly, witch had a pattern of this behavior. The last group of friends she had before us, she claimed alienated her for no reason. In fact, witch had done the same exact thing to them.
One night, I was out of town with my parents having my car fixed. I got a call from my best friend (lets call her BFF) saying "We're exacting revenge. You should not be in on it because you'd be the obvious suspect. Will update later click".
Basically, BFF teamed up with the two Jackass-wannabes of our class. They went to a grocery store and bought cans of tuna and mayo, which they mixed in plastic sandwich bags, undrained. These tuna bombs were then launched at the witch's car, in the middle of the night. From what we were told, the mess in the morning had to be removed with an ice pick because alas, it was the dead of winter, and her car never smelled the same again after that. But I wouldn't know anything about that. I was out of town having my car fixed.
icantmakethisup
14. Boiling these eggs isn't pretty bad. I guess I have to keep the rest in the fridge, till I'm ready to eat.
My roommate eats fried eggs everyday for breakfast. He buys the big 4.5 dozen packs and puts them in the back of the fridge. I like to pull 4 or 5 random eggs, boil them, then place them back in their spots. I have been doing it so long that he thinks the packaging process of the eggs is causing it.
His parents think he stupid for claiming the farm sometimes cooks an egg, so when I visit them I do the same thing to them and now they also think the farms somehow cook an egg in the packaging process. His mother even called Hiland and asked them to be more careful in packaging eggs because they keep cooking them. It's nothing major but I think it's funny.
Assdolf-Shitler
15. Nice try, sucker
My co-worker was always complaining and always lazy with his work, yet he got recognition for the simplest thing he would actually do. He also took credit for a full day's work that was pretty much all me. I always got ignored. So one day, I came in early and unplugged his Ethernet jack just barely to the point it looked like it was still plugged into his computer. For 4 hours he couldn't do any work.
Meanwhile, I got my work done, and he couldn't take any credit for it since everyone knew he didn't have Internet access. Half way through the day, he left on break, I plugged it back in and bam, just like this it was working. By then, he couldn't claim my work, and I began to get noticed more.
Sipistar
16. Who says revenge has to be bad?
When I was about 13, I was snooping around my older brother's room and found a stack of 20 dollar bills stashed away. He was saving up from his high school job to buy a car. Hundreds of dollars. To a 13-year old me it was a fortune, and I figured he wouldn't notice if I stole just one 20 -- still a lot of money to me. So I did.
For years I would remember it every once and a while and feel guilty. The worst part was, when I took the 20, he was also a teenage kid and probably knew exactly how much money was there. He probably knew I took one but let me get away with it because he figured I needed it. That made me feel much worse.
15 years later, I'm hanging around with him on the holidays. I see that he left his wallet on the counter, and he's upstairs. I sneak into his wallet, see there's a few 20s, and I slide an extra one in there. Got him!
Orange_Kid
17. The joker has competition now
A drunk guy harassed me on the tube one night on my way home. About two mins after he lasted, he fell asleep. Deeply asleep.
So I took out my lipstick (gorgeous coral color) and drew all over his face. Yes, I may also have been drunk. I think I was trying to read my book with one eye closed to help me focus... yep.
So I got off at Acton, and watched him snooze away down the Heathrow branch. I hope he woke up with lipstick all over his pillowcase and a pissed off missus.
RipleysBitch
18. Who cares about dressing anyway?
In seventh grade I used to take home-made lunch to school. We prepared our own salad dressing (lemon juice, salt, oil, etc), and one kid decided it would be good to steal it, and drink it before lunch time. I asked him not to, but he continued to drink it, but started doing so in one gulp so I couldn't stop him.
So instead of making a huge deal, I prepared two salad dressings. One that I would actually use on my salad, and another that had all the liquid condiments I could find in my mom's kitchen. It was really fun to see his face as he drank it.
He never stole my salad dressing again. He got what he deserved.
Pipenho
19. It was due for redecoration
I worked in a fish factory most summers when I was in my teens, and there was a boy who also worked there one summer who was a jerk and a bully. I and another girl were his main targets, and this was really disgusting verbal bullying, sexual and racial in nature (the other girl was of mixed race). He would yell his insults over the factory announcement system whenever he didn't have enough work to keep him busy. The foreman refused to get involved, so we took action.
One day, we finished work before he did, and spotted his car out in the parking lot (his dad's car, actually). We looked at each other, went back into the building, got several rolls of toilet paper and a packet of menstrual pads and "decorated" the car with them.
The car was seen by many of our co-workers, some of whom also witnessed the decorating and cheered us on. Once he got out he just stood there, blushing and embarrassed and wondering who could have done this to him. He was very subdued at work after that and the bullying nearly stopped, I hope because what we did made him realize what it felt like to be at the victim's end of it.
Best thing about it was that everyone, including his brother, knew who had done it, and no-one told him.
Netla
20. How do you like that?
This one is pretty gross.. but growing up in a house of only girls, personal space does not exist. We used to bathe in front of each other, and even use the bathroom in front of each other. There are no boundaries.
My younger sister was notorious for shaving in the tub and not rinsing it out when she was done. Pubes. Everywhere.
One day she was taking a bath and I asked her to rinse when she was done, because I planned on taking a bath afterwards. She told me off.
So I reached in my pants, snipped off a chunk of pubes, tossed them in the tub with her, and walked out.
Hollypopasaurus
21. 99 problems and you’re definitely one
As a nurse, we had this god awful patient, who made all our lives hell. Needed pain meds on the dot, needed to smoke every half hour, sat on the call light all day. This person was possibly the rudest human being I've ever met. Treated us like slaves, and was drug seeking.
It finally came time for discharge, and this patient decided to come up with a whole bunch of new medical problems. "I have chest pain! I have nausea! One side of my body feels numb!" So, being the very skilled and rational nurse I am, I asked the doctor for a whole new set of orders.
First, I asked for lab draws every 3 hrs (meaning needles every three hours) to check cardiac markers. Then I asked that the patient be placed on NPO status (nothing by mouth) for the nausea. This person couldn't go an hour without eating something.
For the numbness, I requested the patient be placed on strict bed rest for 24 hrs, and then have a physical therapy eval ordered (which meant no more going downstairs to smoke). I explained this all to the patient, and he said, "I just wanted to stay another night. I ain't doing any of that! I feel fine, just give me my damn papers!"
Talked it over with the doctor on call, he gave me the all clear to discharge, and I had him out the door in an hour.
Andybent25
22. Better luck next time
We were in history class in high school, I really had to go to the bathroom. A girl was already out and we were only allowed to leave one at a time. Fine. However, this girl often goes to the bathroom then just hangs out and is gone for like 30 minutes.
So after 20 minutes I had to really go. I asked to use the bathroom, but I was denied. The teacher said someone was out already. I said she has been out for almost the entire class, I need to go. Someone texts the girl, she appears. Looks pissed. Yells at me in the hall.
She was trying to become our homeroom class president. Not really a serious position, but it was leadership and college apps usually need some kind of leadership spot. So it was an easy check mark on the app.
There were about 30 kids. Two people were running. That girl and another. They said their 2 minute speeches. At the point where we cast our votes, I had a little group of the class (friends) vote for another one of us. A guy she hated and this guy wasn't scared of anything. So he won as a writer. He was elected and she lost her little check box to a guy that didn't even want to spot. Idk if it made a difference, but I knew she thought that her college chances just decreased.
WM1989
23. Sandwich thief
This happened a while back, study hall in 8th grade actually. I always brought two small sandwiches to school so I could have one at lunch and one in the study hall since our teacher let us eat in that class. One day as I was about to eat my sandwich, I got up to use the bathroom. As I walked back in the classroom, I saw the kid in front of me eating my sandwich. I was pretty annoyed but nothing serious at this point, so I confronted him politely and he denied it completely. I left my sandwich on my desk the next day just to make sure it was him, and what do you know, it was.
So on the third day, I hatched a plan. I put habanero cheese on my sandwich, and then doused it all in ghost pepper sauce. That stuff was everywhere, but it luckily didn't smell spicy. I get to study hall and my plan works flawlessly. I leave my trap sandwich on my desk and get up to use the restroom. This time I take as long as I can, and end up wandering the halls of the school. I did this because my study hall teacher was strict about the hall pass, and only one guy was allowed to leave the class at a time, even for water. After about ten minutes I come back into the class to be greeted by the sandwich thief crying hysterically with a bright red face waiting for the hall pass. He was in the bathroom for the rest of the day.
Iwmcguy
24. Called my bluff
I'm a real estate attorney in Texas and have handled hundreds of evictions on the landlord side, but less than 5 on the tenant side. Had a trial today defending a tenant from a very wrongful eviction. The landlord was so in the wrong that it wasn't even funny, but they refused to listen to reason and were dead set on eviction.
Well the judge today was less than amused about their conduct, denied the eviction, and awarded me a nice chunk of attorney fees. I take the property manager out to the hallway to discuss the underlying issues and she literally flips out on me, accusing me of "bullying" her and trying to out-lawyer me. Conveniently forgetting that I'm an expert in the field and she's a moron, and further forgetting she just tried to bully my clients.
I have a number of causes of action to file against them, I told her what I would be filing if they didn't settle, and she said "do what you want, you're not getting a damn penny off us!" I tried to explain that their fees in defending my suit (which is essentially a slam dunk) will far exceed what I want in settlement, but they appear ready to sink in their heels and fight. I can already smell the new car they are going to end buying me if I push this thing to trial.
WorshipNickOfferman
25. Wrestlemania
My least favorite college roommate was also one of my best friends. He was the drum set guy. Dude freaking Come on It's 1 am on Tuesday. No reprieve. He also invented "knee hockey" which was street hockey, on your knees, in the hallway of our tiny condo type dorm. I watched it all the time. Bro come on. He'd be all "ok ok no problem" and then go back to it.
Anyway, one night he had a big important thing one morning. I grabbed a hockey stick and just slammed the crap out of his bedroom door. I slammed it until he had no choice but to get out of bed and be pissed off.
He came storming out eventually and we wrestled on the ground for awhile but I feel like it was worth it.
Soomuchcoffee
26. Give me my money
A guy owed me money, but I wasn't immediately worried because we had done transactions before. This was a transaction via USPS. He started dodging me, ignoring calls and messages and all, but stayed active on Facebook (just ignoring me and deleting my comments and posts).
After three months, getting progressively more impatient, I had had enough. I got the notification to approve him as a member of a Facebook group I'm in.
I approved him, then made a big post in the group putting him on blast for it, tag and everything. I then added his mom and sister on Facebook and sent them messages. Mind you, the guy is in his thirties.
He messaged me about it, and things are getting resolved. If it slips again, however, I'm calling his work. Working for Amazon and committing mail fraud probably don't go well together.
Im_your_boyfriend
27. Don’t mess with dispatch
When I was in college back in the 90s I used to dispatch tow truck drivers part time to help pay tuition. It was an easy job. Someone broke down, they called Triple A, Triple A called whichever tow company was nearest. If we were nearest I would get on the radio and tell the driver where to go and what to expect. Pretty easy and most drivers were laid back friendly guys.
Sometimes we would get new drivers though as the tow industry has a healthy turnover especially in the winter time. If the new guys ever got uppity, or were strange to the other drivers or we just felt like messing with the new guy we had a trick we would pull on them.
We would wait for the "Driver" to be helping a girl. Then once they had gotten the girl's car on the flat bed or strung up on the stinger we would go over the radio and ask if they were available.
Dispatcher - Hey Driver, you have a customer with you en route back to the garage?
Driver - Yeah dispatch we are heading back to the garage.
Dispatcher - OK, good. Oh, BTW, the Dr. called, he said something about your genital rash cream being in and you can pick it up whenever you have time.
Of course all of the other drivers would be standing by on their radios and then they would all chime in laughing to bust the target drivers chops. It was a great laugh and the drivers never messed with the other drivers or dispatch again.
Ronglangren
28. Painting the town red
Back when I was a senior in high school around Christmas time my parents allowed me to skip school to go buy Christmas gifts. I had my license so I was excited to just do my own thing that day. I head out to the mall in the other town and am having one of those really good days. You know, where for no particular reason you are just happy and floating through the day. It was sunny out and not too cold. Just a perfect day. After I finish up at the mall I figure I would treat myself. I got one of those big gulp slurpees from 7/11. The almost gallon looking cup that barely fits into any of your cup holders with the red shovel end straw of Mountain Dew Code Red. Heck yes this was continuing to be an awesome day.
I needed to cross a bridge to get over the big river in our area and onto the highway I needed. The bridge had the outside lane closed midway through. I'm in the inside lane and need to get to the right turn lane at the end of the bridge. Before the closure this lady in a nice BMW tried to speed up and cut in front of me before the lane closed. I was like wtf? This was dangerous as it is being all tight and everyone following close so I don't let her in and she slides in behind me cutting off the person behind me. Whatever. I can see in my mirror she is waving her arms around and upset. As I pull into the right turn lane she pulls up next to me and rolls down her window. All I see is animated movements and someone yelling. So I rolled down my window. This old witch isn't going to ruin my day. My initial plan is to just be overly nice to her. People in a fit hate it when you are super nice to them. But after I roll down my window I hear her breaking into a tirade against teenage drivers. "You kids should learn manners." "You kids shouldn't be driving." "I'll have you arrested!" and just being a mean woman because I wouldn't let her break the rules and cut everyone in line.
So I had a moment of brilliance. I reach over, grab my fully filled and bright red slurpee and with my right arm I sorta chucked it across my body. My initial plan was that it would hit her door or something and spill everywhere on her paint causing her to have to go to a car wash. What actually happened turned out better than I could have imagined. Now, remember she was leaning over into the passenger seat to yell at me. So as I chucked this tank of red sticky slushie out my window it didn't hit her car door or any part of the outside. Instead it sailed perfectly into her open window and freaking exploded when it hit the head rest of her passenger seat. I'm talking about a bright red slushie exploding all over the nice tan leather interior, windshield, and best of all on the woman's face. The look of utter shock and awe on her face was absolutely incredible. She went from one moment being rude, mean, and authoritative to suddenly shocked and trying to process her situation. I simply said "Merry freaking Christmas" and drove away. Those were the only words I spoke to her. Afterwards I felt kinda bad. I mean I didn't mean to throw it in her car but rather on it. That mess must have been a pain in the butt to get cleaned up. But after thinking about it a little more I was very happy that it turned out the way it did.
BeachBum09
29. Address the way you want to be addressed
On every email I send, I attach my name, company, position, etc. ALL the time people will respond "Thank you Sara"....but my name is spelled with the "H". I have started to reply to them leaving off a letter of their name.
"No problem Rene" "Have a good day Jon". They probably think I am an idiot, but it is worth it to me.
Porcelain_queen
30. Do you speak French?
There were two people I knew at university. Both were taking Maths. One was a Belgian student, the other one was English and got in on a scholarship, so he got a lot of money to study there, on the condition he didn't have to retake any semesters.
In the first year they were flatmates and the Belgian girl would often complain about having to more or less drag the lad to lectures. The second year they were housemates with the lad's alcoholic friends and the lad spent all of his time drinking and going out. Instead of attending lectures he would just pester the girl to go over what he had missed with him.
Needless to say, they had a falling out. She stopped even trying to drag him to lectures and refused to help him. Near the end of the year, with the exams approaching, he was called in by the staff over his complete lack of attendance and reminded of the circumstances of his scholarship. He panicked and begged the girl for help. She refused and he went berserk, forcing her to lock herself in her room.
I later got a phone call from her in a complete state saying her notes had vanished, two days before the exams. Clearly it was the lad who had done it. Through a series of acquaintances we were able to get him to leave the house and I stood watch whilst she went into his room and lo and behold there were the notes.
From the few fresh scribbles on the first few sheets it was obvious that the lad had not realized that the girl had written all her notes in French before taking them and had tried to use google translate to decipher them.
Too bad she also had terrible handwriting.
Reverendmalterik