When she got married in her early twenties, this woman from South Africa had no idea that her husband was leading a double life. He had fooled her ever since she met him and now, at 29 years old, she knew she had to escape this abusive relationship. She was determined to make her story public, while keeping her anonymity, to warn other young women these stories are not just plots for TV series drama.
What she went through was real, and it changed her life. Does she regret it? You could say she does. Here’s how it all started…
The First Time They Met
The anonymous woman - let’s call her W., thought she was living a love story, but it soon turned into a nightmare. As months passed, W. realized she had no idea who she had married.
W. met her future husband on her way home from work: “when I was 22 and an intern at a company, I met this man while I was walking to catch a taxi home from work.”
Red Flags
“He almost hit me with his car and then came out to apologize to me,” wrote W. She should have been suspicious of him from that moment, but who would have known what this man was like?
The woman recalls that he told her “he lost control of the car because he wanted to speak to me.” This was definitely a red flag…
Helping Out
Probably feeling bad he nearly hit her with the car, the man offered to drive her to her home. “I accepted and when he asked for my number, I chose to give him my BBM pin.”
They kept in touch and two months later, W. and this mystery man start officially dating. She liked him, but she was skeptical because he was ten years older than she was. However, she let her guard down once she discovered something about him.
On a Vacation
The two went on a vacation and W. saw his ID. She checked with Home Affairs and saw her boyfriend’s marital status. She learned he was single.
"That’s when I let my guard down completely and I was in love and everything seemed perfect,” wrote the woman. Soon enough, she’ll regret it!
Moving to the Big City
Committing to a relationship was tough for the young woman, who had just moved to the big city after living in “a small village in KZN.”
“I had just moved to the big city and started my career after graduating from Varsity,” explained W. Her parents had been very strict and she didn’t want to disappoint them. Then, she finds out she got pregnant.
In Love
“We were in love and I quickly got pregnant,” said W., adding that her boyfriend proposed to her and although it was too soon, she accepted.
W. explained that she had tried her best to make her parents proud of her, and until turning 22 she had never been intimate with anyone. She told her mother about it, and she wasn’t exactly excited…
Not Happy For Her
Her mother wasn’t happy when she learned her daughter was marrying a man 10 years older than her. Plus, the mother was worried that this man was from Zimbabwe.
“She was worried about the type of culture I’d be getting into since he was Shona.” Her grandmother was absolutely against the marriage. Maybe she should have listened to her grandmother, but it was too late now...
They Fought
Looking back at her discussion with her family, W. recalls she had a fight with her grandmother. “We had a fall out and I felt she was judging the man that I was in love with.”
“I then decided to go ahead with marrying him and starting a life with him.” But when she was seven months pregnant, she received a strange phone call…
Some Details About Her Future Husband
Her fiancée had been previously married and had children with his ex. The woman knew about it, or at least she knew only what he wanted her to know.
In fact, things were a lot more complicated than she’d imagined. She was seven months pregnant, an in one month he had to pay lobola for her.
The Tradition
In her tradition, lobola was like an engagement. As W. was looking on the internet for wedding supplies, she received a phone call from a woman.
“The woman claimed that I was sleeping with her husband and I was convinced that she had called the wrong person.”
She Knew Her Name
“She then told me she knew my name and told me hers,” recalls W, who recognized the name, because her fiancée had told her it was his ex-wife.
Previously, her fiancée had even spoken on the phone with his ex, “and it was fine because I knew they had children together.” But W. was speechless when she hear this woman’s claims… Was she insane?
You’re Separated
“I then asked what she meant by her husband and told her not to come with drama because they separated,” wrote W.
What she didn’t know was that this woman wasn’t actually separated. Moreover, she had some shocking news!
She Visited Him
In the past, W. visited her boyfriend’s house: “I had been to his place a few times but never really stayed over.”
W. explained that she didn’t want to intrude “as I knew that he lived with his children and brother.” Looking back at all her decisions, she surely regrets not invading this privacy.
He Didn’t Invite Her Over
W. explained that she believed the reason he didn’t invite her to his house was “because he was respecting my culture.”
She was not supposed to move in with her future husband. “We could only stay together after getting married." Here’s what this woman told her…
She Was Pregnant Too
Speaking with her on the phone, the ex-wife “then told me that she lived with him and she knew I was pregnant and she was pregnant too.”
The woman tried to dispute the ex-wife’s claims, but she learned that “he had paid lobola and in their Shona culture, that meant they were married according to customary law.”
He Was Married
Although in her culture, lobola was like an engagement, in the Shona culture, lobola meant the couple was married. As she talked to the ex-wife, W. realized how many lies her fiancée had told her…
“During the conversation with his wife, I also realised that he had lied about where he was from and had also lied about his parents still being alive.”
Her Fiancée Lied To Her
“His parents had passed on in 2002 and were not living in Mpumalanga as he claimed,” wrote W., who then learned that he also had a lot of girlfriends and that he wasn’t treating his wife well…
“I was stressed that I moved out of my apartment and stayed with my family,” recalled W. She even broke up with him, but a few months later, she took a decision she would regret for the rest of her life!
They Got Engaged
“A few months later, I got back together with him because I didn’t want my children to grow up without a father like I had.” They even got engaged…
“He paid my lobola and things were great for a while,” recalled W. “I was now in a relationship with a stranger,” she said. Things were slowly going out of hand, though.
His Family Didn’t Accept Her
Her fiancée moved out of the house he previously shared with his wife. Although W. felt like she won, “things were difficult because his family disregarded me as they preferred his other wife.”
Then, things got worse. His first wife did warn W. about his behavior, but she couldn’t imagine he’d do this to her too…
He Was Abusive
After moving together, W. realized that her husband was exactly how the other wife said he was. “He would emotionally abuse me and then tell me to take it like a wife.”
What did that even mean? Then, emotional abuse turned into physical abuse. W. could no longer take it. So what was her plan to get out of this unhappy marriage?
He Beat Her
A while after the emotional abuse became physical abuse, W. “became suicidal and tried to overdose on pills.” What did he do?
“He found me and forced me to drink milk while beating me,” she revealed.
Blaming Herself
“I started hating myself and blamed myself for falling into this trap,” said W., who was living a nightmare nobody deserved to live. She then called his former wife…
The woman apologized to the ex-wife on the phone, but as she told her it was ok, she learned an outrageous detail about her husband.
Work Together
“She told me it was okay and that we should find a way to work together as his wives.” W. was mad, as she thought her husband was done with his ex-wife.
But the woman told her on the phone “that they were still together and he visits her often.” This had been going on all of those months when her husband was on his “business trips.”
He Denied It
“He denied it and whenever I’d get mad about him speaking to girls, he would cheat on me and tell me he’s doing it because I was angry at him,” wrote W.
This was no life and no marriage W. wished to have. “He’d tell me that I was now a wife and a wife never calls her husband’s girlfriends.”
A Terrible Person
Can you believe these men exist in the real world? By now, we would have expected for W. to dump this terrible person she called husband, but her story was not over yet!
“I didn’t leave because I thought I was smart enough to figure things out,” she said. Actually, she wasn’t exactly smart about it… Here’s what happened next.
Pregnant Again
“I got pregnant again at 26 and that’s when I realized that I couldn’t live this life and left.”
Although now she had two children with this man, W. finally realized that this was not a life she wanted to have for herself and for her children.
He Had Another Child
W. resigned her work, took her two children and went home to live with her parents.
“He supported the children but as soon as I started working again he stopped,” wrote the young mom. What’s she been up to lately?
A Happier Life
While W. is still fighting her ex-husband to get child support, she admits she’s much happier now that they separated.
“I’m working again after a two-year break. I no longer have the luxuries I used to have when I stayed with him in Sandton but my sanity is more important.”
She’s A Single Mom
Although this woman is now a single mom, we bet her mental wellbeing is much more important.
With her family and two children by her side, W. is surely leading a better life than she did when she was living with her abusive husband.
A Loving Relationship
We should surround ourselves with loving people, and had a partner that we can trust and count on.
Someone like W.’s husband is definitely the negative example that we should avoid at all cost!