HomeFoodPeople Share Their Best Comebacks To A Rude Customer

People Share Their Best Comebacks To A Rude Customer

1. A Liability

Rude customers can take a toll on your mental health, especially in customer service jobs.

These Redditors chose not to tolerate their behavior and treat them the same way they treated them. Scroll down to read some of the best comebacks ever!

Way back in the day, when I worked in food service, we had a customer who got a salad, and when she was finished, she placed one of her hairs in the bowl in order to get it refunded and got the complimentary “I’m sorry” free bakery item.

She did this every day. Finally, the DM sat down at her table and told her this was her last day eating in the cafe, they would refuse her refund today and refuse her service in the future.

She started to say something about the customer always being right, and he just put up a hand to cut her off and said, “You cause us to lose money every day.”

“You’re absolutely not our customer, you are a liability, and you are no longer welcome here.”



2. “See You Next Week!”

Not me, but my manager. A woman comes in every Sunday… and complains every Sunday. This past time, she said, “I won’t be coming back.”

And he goes, “Alright, I’ll see you next week.”



3. Farm-Raised

My brother was a waiter and was working with a really difficult woman.

She ordered the salmon and asked when it got to her table if it was farm raised.

She got mad at him because he didn’t mention that the salmon was farm raised when she was ordering, even though it clearly states that it is farm-raised on the menu.

She ordered the chicken to replace the salmon, and my brother said, “I have to warn you, it’s farm-raised.”



4. Hotter Than The Seven Sons Of Hell

We have sweet biscuits with icing on top.

Every weekend this lady comes in and wants them fresh, with extra icing.

But every time something is wrong, the main complaint being it’s too cold, probably due to the extra icing being on top of it, which we have told her repeatedly.

Well, this last time she came in, we give her the biscuit, fresh out of the oven, loaded down with icing, and she still says it’s cold.

The manager tells her the only way to get it any hotter would be to melt the icing in the microwave, which we refuse to do.

The lady has a conniption, demanding to know why.

My manager, God love her, says, “Because sugar is hotter than the seven sons of hell when it’s heated up like that, and no matter how much you deserved it, I be damned if I give you an excuse to have a lawsuit against us.”



5. Yes, I’m Paid To Say That

Had a customer harassing me over a product he bought and wanted to return.

No receipt, over the return date, claimed he paid for it in cash.

I told him that the return policy was within 30 days, and he had to have a receipt.

Him: “You’re just paid to say that.”

Me: “As a matter of fact, I am paid to say that. That’s how jobs work.”

Never saw his scamming ass again.



6. No Shame

An older woman at my table asked me what my mother must think about my tattoos, and I said, “Well, my father doesn’t mind.”

She didn’t take the hint (I guess it wasn’t a very good hint) and asked, “Well what about your mother?” To which I replied, “She’s dead. She doesn’t do a lot of thinking.”

Did she stop there? No.

She said, “Did she die of SHAME?” I just said, “No, breast cancer” and dropped the check.

They weren’t done eating, but her guests looked like they wanted to leave.



7. It’s Mine Now

Had a girl ordering a Pina Colada and then complaining about the coconut. She didn’t like coconut. So I got her another drink, and she goes,  “What are you going to do with that one? Will you throw it away?”

I just looked at her, told her that I do like coconut, and took a sip.



8. Go Yell Somewhere Else

Worked part-time at a thrift store. Got cursed out by a customer yelling, “Why don’t you get a REAL job?!” Replied with, “Why don’t you go yell at a real store?” in the most tired deadpan voice.

This happened a few times.



9. No More Alcohol For You

A woman complained about her cocktail, saying she couldn’t taste the alcohol, could we make it stronger.

It was already a double, but we added a splash. She still couldn’t taste it, could we add more?

She was obviously drunk when she arrived and angling to get more drunk as cheaply as possible.

Which is why I took her cocktail, apologized that it wasn’t to her liking, and said I’d take it off her bill, effectively cutting her off for the night.



10. Use Your Words

I worked at a restaurant in my hometown for years, and the most common rude thing customers would pull was lifting their empty cup with ice in them and shaking it at me, implying they needed a refill.

My response was always the same – “Are you making music, or did you need something?” Use your words, asshats. I’m not your dog.



11. No Tip For Me

I had one of those women that complain about their food, hoping to get it comped, which she did.

But then she asked for a to-go box. I said, “I thought you didn’t like your meal are you sure you want to take it home?”

She got pissed. I should have refused to give her the box, but I was new, so I boxed it for her. No tip, of course.



12. No Free Gravy For You

My elderly neighbor has connections at Boston Pizza and always gets free gravy with her fries.

When she went to Humpty’s, she asked for gravy.

When she was told she would be charged for it she said, “I get it free at Boston Pizza.”

The server told her that she could go back to Boston Pizza then.



13. I Had So Much Fun

I’m quite feminine for a guy. I don’t mind what people say or think about me, so I get confused for gay sometimes. That it’s important for later.

As I was working as a cashier, a guy just went to me and started to say, and I’m QUOTING him.

“I don’t understand how many gay people work in this restaurant, I don’t even know if I want to eat here anymore. “

Lots of my coworkers are gay, and the way he said was… Not exactly, kindly. So, when his meal was ready, nobody wanted to give it to him, so I just did what any sane person would do in my position…

I took his meal, and you bet I became a Disney princess for like 5 minutes straight, walking like a model, calling him sweet names, being extremely touching, and giving him the best attention I could. It was so fun!



14. At Least He Apologized

I had an older couple once, and the husband asked me if I was stupid. I told him I was stupid enough to not come back to his table and walked away.

He flagged me down a couple of minutes later, apologized, and told me he liked that I didn’t take his sh*t.



15. I Only Have Two Hands

We don’t use trays at the restaurant I work at, you just take what you can carry and go back for the rest or have someone follow you.

I usually just carry one item in each hand, so I don’t risk dropping things.

Pretty often, I’ll hear “Uhhh, we’re missing (item)” in a condescending or rude way, 99% of the time, from older people. I just say, “Ma’am/sir.

I only have two hands.” Not especially creative or a clapback but it always gives me a nice sense of satisfaction.



16. I’m A Savage

I slipped a napkin with a lipstick kiss and the text, ‘It was great… you were great… let’s do it again’ in the pocket of a man’s jacket.

The same man who openly mocked my colleague (she has down’s syndrome) in front of his whole Christian family.



17. Be Polite

I work at a small breakfast cafe in Florida, and we get a lot of older people who are mostly from up north and can really have a bad attitude about not getting what they want immediately.

One old lady rudely exclaimed, asking what she had to do to get some coffee around here, and without skipping a beat, I responded that you ask politely.

All the people sitting with her at her table got a good laugh in, and I felt pretty smug about putting her in her place.



18. Are You Deaf?

I worked at Target a few years ago. When it’s time to close, a speaker warns you 15 or so minutes early and asks you to rap things up.

This lady is going threw clothes at the speed of a snail. Taking her sweet time. The recording plays again, we are closing ECT.

I walk up to her and pretend I know sign language and start fake signing. She asks what are you doing I replied, “I’m sorry, I thought you were deaf.”



19. No More Comments

“You’d look better if you smiled.”

“You’d look better if you showered.”

The dude used to say this to me every God damned time I saw him. Not once after that.



20. Thanks For Asking

Me: welcome, how are you two doing tonight? Customer: (without even looking at me) I’ll have a beer and appetizer.

Me: I’m doing great, thank you. What can I get you tonight? The guy actually stopped and looked me in the eye and apologized for being rude.

This was after almost 10 years in customer service when I got bold about being sassy with customers who treated me like a servant.



21. “Get Out Of My Store”

I work in an ice cream shop, and one day a man ordered a shake, drank the whole thing, and then demanded a refund because he claimed the whipped cream tasted sour (which is impossible because we make it in-house every day).

My manager (a 53-year-old Indian man) proceeded to take the cup from him, grabbed a spoon, and ate the whipped cream right out of the cup, and said, “It tastes fine to me, get out of my store.”

Maybe it was a little overkill, but it was one way to deal with it.



22. I Made Her Uncomfortable

I embarrassed a woman in front of her (20+) colleagues after she finger-snapped at me to get her check.

I responded by telling her I wasn’t a dog. I’ve given my name, it’s “blank,” and to call me by it.

To rub it in, I came back 1 minute later for her to pay, and she wasn’t ready. So I took the opportunity to state I assumed she was in such a rush because of her manners.

Her discomfort in front of her coworkers was palpable.



23. Nice Try

Two women and their small children came in Monday morning at the opening for lunch.

Monday’s were slow unless it was a holiday. The woman found a long black curly hair on her child’s food.

I should add her child had long black curly hair. The woman was rude and wanted a free meal and blamed the chef.

I said, “Well, that’s impossible because he’s bald. The only chef working was bald, and I had him come out and talk to her, and eventually, she agreed that it was her child’s hair.



24. Stupid Questions

A man tried to argue with me over the price of his food, saying that he bought two things that were about $7 each, so “it shouldn’t be more than $14 what is this extra charge?!”

And he had a super smug attitude, like he had caught me in some scam or something.

I stared at his receipt for all of two seconds before looking this man dead in the eye and saying, “that’s the tax.” He shut up fast and paid full price.



25. That’s You, Not Me

When I was 16 and waitressing, a woman kept criticizing the food during a busy night, demanding free meals.

Eventually, she started making personal remarks, and I replied with the most savage burn I could think of at the time. “I know you are, but what am I.”

She went up to start complaining to the manager, who didn’t care and walked off mid-sentence.



26. It Worked Every Time

At the last place I worked, one of my coworkers had the exact same sentence prepared for anyone who said, “Well, I’ll just go down to X competitor down the street and never shop here again.”

He’d look them in the eyes without missing a beat and say, “Well, sir/madam, luckily this is America. As an American citizen and consumer, you can choose to do business with any company you choose.”

They never left the store to go to the competition.



27. “It’s Okay”

Not me, but a friend of mine was dealing with a rude old man.

He said we gave him the wrong change, but we triple-checked, and he was in the wrong.

Still yelled at us, called us names, and caused a huge scene on our busiest day.

As the old man was walking away, my friend said in a loud voice, “It’s okay, he’s going to die soon anyway.”

Everyone in the surrounding area was stunned.



28. Don’t Worry About It

I carded all the women ( aged around the late 20s – early 30s) at the table except the bitchy one, and when she tried handing it to me, I said, “Oh, don’t worry, I don’t need to see yours”



29. An “Accident”

Not so much a clapback, but when I was a server, my go-to move on rude ass customers was to “accidentally “ spill their drinks on them.

Even though they couldn’t prove anything, they always 100% knew it wasn’t an accident.



30. I’m Not A Dog

Once a guy was sitting with his girlfriend, and he whistled for my attention as I was walking past.

I turned around to him and outright just said to him, that I’m not a dog, you don’t whistle to get my attention.

He suddenly when very quiet and wouldn’t stop saying sorry whilst his girlfriend looked mortified.

I then said that after that, I expect a big tip and walked away. His girlfriend then went on to slap his arm, and by the end, they left me £10 on a £30ish bill which for English tipping wasn’t half bad.



31. Today I Only Have Two Hands

Two guys at the table, 50% off food deal. They ordered lots of things.

I bring 4 plates at a time as they are hot, and I really don’t want a burn. First guy: Where’s my mac and cheese? Second guy: And my burger? Me: Sorry guys, today I have only 2 hands.

Maybe next time you come by, I’ll grow 2 more. Needless to say, they apologized, and we laughed it off. They are regulars now.



32. Make You Own Sandwitch

My mom once tried to order sandwiches for a bunch of picky kids, asking for no mayo, extra cheese, and so on.

The waiter actually took off his apron, handed it to her, and asked her to go make it her own damned self.



33. I Don’t Care

I work at a Walmart, and very frequently, we will get a pissed-off customer, usually because we don’t sell a certain product they are looking for.

But numerous times, I will get a customer telling me, “Well, you just lost another customer.”

“I will never shop here again!” and every time, without thinking, I quickly say, “That’s fine. Doesn’t bother me any” and the look of disbelief is always the most satisfying thing.

It’s like they expect me to beg for forgiveness right away or freak out, haha. Oh, and 9 times out of 10, I’ll see the same person in here next week. So. Satisfying.



34. I’m Not A Calculator

Not me, but a coworker. A table wanted to split the bill but was expecting her to do the maths (our tills don’t split in half, just by items. And she wasn’t the best at maths.)

Her response was, “I’m not a calculator.” Normally that would get someone in trouble, but this table had been dicks to multiple staff, so she got away with swearing at a customer.



35. Wrong Store, Lady

Yesterday, I had someone wanting to refund a jumper and then order a new one with us.

However, this said jumper was from a completely different store. They tried doing the whole, “I KNOW YOU CAN ORDER THIS YOUNG MAN, THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is from a completely different store. We don’t sell this brand, and there’s physically no way for me to order you a new one.”

She paused, then was like, “OH MY GOSH, I’M SO EMBARRASSED, wait. Where am I?” Safe to say, I felt that last part on a spiritual level.



36. Killed Them With Kindness

A customer asked if a pizza was hot after she just saw it come right out of the oven, get cut, and then put on the counter in front of her.

It was steaming, and the cheese was all melted. I said, “No, ma’am that’s cold steam coming off it.” Then she asked if I could reheat it…

Rude customers must be killed with kindness. I greet everyone with “Hello, how are you today?”

Sometimes they come up with such an attitude and literally ignore my greeting and say, “Give me this.”

So I ignore their rudeness and give them several chances to do better and just repeat my greeting until they realize that I’m a human and can be interacted with rather than just talked at.

And the very best is when you have a rude customer, keep your cool, smile, and in your best happy-go-lucky tone, say, “I hope your day is as pleasant as you are!”



37. “Are You Having A Bad Day?”

“Are you having a bad day?”. Tends to confuse the hell out of people and calls them on their crap. I’ve made a couple of good friends this way.



38. I Don’t Get Paid Commission

I used to work at a gas station and had this rude kid who had this whole speech lined up about how he didn’t have his ID with him, but he was 18 and would like a pack of cigarettes.

I told him I can’t sell without proof of ID. He openly said he’d just have his girlfriend buy them for him when she got out of the restroom, right in front of me, by the way.

She came out and went outside where he waited with his other friends, they talked and then she came back in.

Before she could ask we told her we can’t sell them since we knew she was buying them for him, as is the law.

She was OK with that and went to leave. He came back in and was all like, “Oh, you’re not gonna sell to her now?”

We told him we can’t since he said he was going to have her buy for him. Then he said, “Well, I just take my business elsewhere,” real snotty-like.

Without a beat, I replied, “I don’t care. I don’t get paid commission.” He stormed out.



39. Merry Christmas

My sister once had a woman freaking the hell out at her on Christmas day at a restaurant we both worked in because the buffet was momentarily out of pumpkin pie.

Her 5-10 minute tirade prevented my sister from just going in back and grabbing a piece to shut her up.

She finally ended her rant with, “I can’t believe this. This is CHRISTMAS.”

To which my sister replied with a smile, “You’re right, ma’am, it IS Christmas. Merry Christmas,” then promptly walked away.



40. Put It Back

I once caught a shoplifter sticking a candy bar in his pocket. I was so shocked (it was the first time it ever happened to me) that I went into babysitter mode.

I waggled my finger at him and said, “Put it back” in my best grown-up voice. To his credit, he did.



41. “Have An Ass Day!”

I had a good friend in college who took advantage of her southern accent and told customers to “Have an ass day.” That sounds close enough, but SHE knew!



42. I Made Him Cry

I worked the counter at a pizza place, and one day we were really busy. I had to manage 2 phones and walk-ins.

I’d have to put people on hold while taking care of other customers. This one guy had the worst timing because he’d call back when I was busy and not call when I wasn’t busy.

So this guy gets mad and drives to the store. He starts complaining and telling me how much he called.

I told him we were really busy and that I was the only one working the counter. The guy calls the store while he’s sitting down waiting for his food to see if I’d answer.

I answered, and he hung up while I looked at him. So when I gave him his food, I said, “Sorry for the wait, sir.

Have a wonderful night,” and handed him some coupons. He then felt really bad and started to tear up while telling me thank you.



43. Don’t Mess With Me

Use to be a barista, when someone ordered and they were on the phone, acting like my asking what they wanted and telling them how much their total was, was an inconvenience, I would steam the milk as loud as I could.

I would set off both espresso grinders and repeat orders as loud as I could when my coworker would send them over the computer.



44. Sticky Bags

I spilled some soda on some of our old plastic bags a while ago.

Now, whenever a rude customer comes to my register, I give them a sticky bag.

The sticky bags are a different color/size then the new, non-sticky bags, so if a customer complains I just say that it’s part of the plastic’s design and show them the other (sticky) bags that are “just like it.”



45. Smooth

I used to work at a video rental place that also sold snack food, and we once had a chap waltz out of the front door eating a big bag of chips he hadn’t paid for, with a pint of ice cream in his pocket.

Luckily he had just returned a video on the way in, so I brought up his account and billed him for them.



46. ID, Please

Not very subtle, but this customer was being rude to everyone.

He came up to me and was trying to buy a pack of smokes, we had a sign up saying, “We can ask for ID regardless of age” or something.

I asked him for his ID, which he didn’t have. He was easily in his 30’s, but man, it was so satisfying.



47. She Wasn’t Impressed

I used to be a night porter in a hotel, and one of the residents comes to the desk to complain about how early the residents’ bar closes (3 am).

I went through the usual explanation, we’re a 3-star hotel, etc.

She was having none of it and started claiming this wasn’t legal and she’ll have my job, then she said, “I mean, if the bar isn’t open all night, why would people even come to the hotel?”

So I replied, “Generally, people come to sleep.” She wasn’t too impressed.



48. It Was Very Satisfying

I had a customer question my intelligence recently, apparently thinking that because I work in a clothing store, I don’t have a 3.5 GPA, and I’m not a full-time student.

During her return, I very loudly stressed that she was returning smaller sizes for larger ones.

She looked at me like I killed her dog. Very satisfying.



49. Works Every Time

I work in a call center where lawyers call in a lot to get information about their dead client’s information.

They sometimes get mad that I won’t tell them any information. I just politely say, “Because you work in law, I’m sure you understand that I am taking the correct legal procedures to ensure that your client’s information stays safe.”

That usually shuts them up.



50. “No”

I work at a grocery store. We are always understaffed and usually very busy.

Most days, there are only two people on registers. So, when it’s really, really busy, a line forms. Usually, it’s about 6-7 people long for each register.

I really try my hardest to scan and bag things as fast as I can. The sooner I finish ringing these people up, the sooner I can go back to doing something else.

We always get the one person who asks, “Can y’all move any faster?” This always causes me to stop, stare at the customer, reply “No.” and then start scanning things slower.



51. Sweet Revenge

I worked as a cashier at a grocery store, and whenever someone would buy setting like baby formula or something, I would remove the little stuck-on security tag without deactivating it.

Whenever I would have a rude customer, I’d reach into my stash of tags and stick one onto something of theirs so that when they walked out the door alarm thing would activate.

Watching them get flustered when everyone would look at them was a nice feeling.



52. No Friends, No Problem

Customer who is angry about something absolutely inconsequential: I’m never coming back, and I’m gonna tell all my friends!

Owner of store: Great, I doubt you have many.



53. He Came Back After A Year

Not me, but a friend. He was bartending and got into a tiff with a customer, and the customer said he would never be returning. About a year later, that customer walked in and said:

“I can’t believe you’re still here!”

And John responded, “I can’t believe you came back!”



54. What An Amazing Idea

My favorite recently was them calling for my supervisor to try and whine and get their way. I say, “Good idea, let’s get Jack over here so HE can tell you how you’re wrong.”



55. They Always Come Back

I work for a moving company, customers always get mad when we don’t have the equipment available for them when they show up last minute with no reservation.

‘Well, I’ll just go to (competitor’s name)!’ Would always reply with exact directions ‘Great, they are a block north, on the right side.

You can’t miss ’em.’ Never failed to get a disgusted scoff, but we would always see them again in an hour or so to set up a reservation when competitors didn’t have any equipment either.



56. Yes, I Know My Manager Too

“I’d watch out if I were you, I know your manager.”

“I know him too, so what?”



57. Al Dente

“Italian customer at a steakhouse in the US: My pasta wasn’t quite Al Dente.”

Me: “You just got off a plane from Italy, ordered pasta at a steakhouse in the US, and you’re surprised it was less perfect than you are accustomed to?”



58. Enough Is Enough

I had a co-worker get a three-day suspension for chasing a customer down and handing back their dollar tip and saying, “You obviously need this more than I do.”

The check was for 80$, and she was a consistently good server. She had enough bs that day.



59. It Shut Him Up Pretty Quick

“You’d look better if you smiled.”

“You’d look better if you showered.”

The dude used to say this to me every God damned time I saw him. Not once after that.



60. I Know Him Too

Rude customer: “I don’t like (insert literally anything here), is Owner in? I know him.”

Me: (overly excited) “OMG, SAME, I know him too! He’s not here, but I’m the manager today, so I’ll help you out.”



61. Fluent In Bitch

Rude lady to the gay cashier: “Sorry, I don’t speak gay.”

Cashier: “Don’t worry, I’m fluent in bitch.”



62. Go Ahead

Live in a small town, working in a Fish and Chip shop (one of two in the town).

We were a tourist town, and one of the main attractions was the award-winning fish and chips (top 5 in the county while I was there).

People in the town believed we were in massive competition with the other shop, we weren’t.

We had 25+ staff, they had around 7-8 and we were serving thousands more customers than them per week or even per day in summer.

So, on the rare occasion whenever a customer got angry they would simply exclaim ‘WELL IM GOING TO ‘INSERT SUPPOSED COMPETITORS NAME HERE’ INSTEAD, AND I WONT BE BACK’.

Like it was a big deal and would really hurt our feelings/business. We would simply tell them that we don’t want them back, and they should enjoy the food from the other shop.

We owned both shops.



63. Just Doing My Job

I used to regularly have people complain to my boss. He would just say, “Good to hear he’s doing his job.”



64. We Didn’t Even Have A Store Owner

I was beyond confused. I was at a Burger King at the time, we didn’t have store owners.

Asked him if he meant the restaurant manager, and he proceeds to yell that he knows the owner and he would get me fired (for his wait time LOL).

I asked for the name of whoever he knew, and he yelled at me for not knowing the names of my bosses, so I eventually gave up and just closed the window on him. It was all bs, he didn’t know anyone.



65. No Ice Cream For You

This just happened at a McDonald’s I was picking up at. A lady orders two ice cream cones through the drive-through, gets into an argument at the pay window and cancels.

I heard the whole thing and said, “Wow she sucked” and they said, “Do you want her ice cream? Just make sure to walk by her on the way out.”

She was stuck in the drive-through behind someone waiting and saw me with her cones.



66. Say It One More Time, I Dare You

Table of 10, Sunday Brunch, fancy restaurant, I’m hungover. A crowd swarms in at the opening, and my whole section is sat at once. I’m efficient and cool, I’m used to this.

I get to the big table and preface that water is being brought as we speak, then begin taking everyone’s drink order.

As I’m taking orders around the table, one woman blurts out that she wants water and not to forget the water, interrupting her friends and family as they make their requests.

I acknowledge her each time until after the 4th time, saying, ‘If you ask for water again, I’ll make sure everyone here gets water but you.’

She sinks back in her chair, looking dumbfounded and I go put in the order and then head to the bar.



67. My Dad Is The Best

When I was 15/16, working at my family’s restaurant, there was a Christmas party, and they booked out the front room.

This one old guy kept complaining every time I brought him food/took it away. When dessert came, he made some snide comment, and I burst into tears.

When I got back to the kitchen, my dad saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I said it was ok and not to worry.

The next minute my dad storms out of the kitchen and asks the entire front room who made his daughter cry.

The room goes silent, and everyone points him out. Dad rips into him for making a child cry and told him he’s not welcome back.

The old guy tries to defend himself, saying I wasn’t doing my job. Dad said something along the line of him not doing a good job as a human.

I miss working with him.



68. Small Victories Are The Best Victories

A regular at the place I work will tap her martini glass with a fork, wait for me to turn and make eye contact, and then call across the room, “MORE MARTINIS!” or “WE’RE READY FOR OUR FOOD NOW!”

Sometimes I’ll see how many times she taps, because I know she knows that it’s trashy, and she’ll start to get uncomfortable but still keep going. So it’ll go:

tap tap tap


tap tap tap

Manager: hey, Ms. X is trying to get your attention.

Me: I know, give it two more.

tap tap tap

Me: Stay strong. One more…

tap tap tap

Me: More martinis, Ms X?

By then, she has the whole dining room looking at her sideways, which is enough for me.

Small victories are the best victories in the service industry.



69. It Was Worth It

On my last night as a delivery driver, I was told to keep the change of $12.98 as my tip.

I responded by rummaging through my change pouch, took out two pennies, and tossed them back, saying, “if I wanted your two cents, I would have asked you a question,” and walked away.

Was my final delivery ever and well worth it.



70. My Best Comeback Ever

I was a FOH manager at a pretty nice chain, I remember one time these two men came up to my register.

Keep in mind I was a small 17-year-old girl at the time. They gave me some coupons that required a manager’s code and joked, “I hope you know how to use them, the last girl didn’t, and she had to go get a manager.”

Since the head manager had stepped out, I joked back, “Well, I hope I do since I’m the only manager here right now.”

One of the men laughed and said to the other one, “Wow, she’s a manager? I guess they really hire anyone here, huh?”

Without hesitation, I said back, “Oh, we really do, we are actually hiring for a dishwasher right now, you look like you’d fit the job.”

Immediately my chest dropped, but luckily the man took it well, and the conversation ended there, but I was so scared I was going to lose my job.



71. The Secret Is Out

“I’m a secret shopper, so I would want…”

“Guess the secret is out, huh?”

I know full well actual secret shoppers don’t tell people that they really are secret shoppers.



72. Bodies Make Great Padding

 I fly on a regional plane in which there is a rear jumpseat at the back, surrounded by two passengers on the left and two on the right.

I am squished right in the middle. Some guy was busting my balls about being in the back, and he was talking smack. My response?

“If the plane goes down, I will be surrounded by four squishy bodies and probably walk away. That’s why I am here, in the back, in the middle, in this tiny seat. Bodies make GREAT padding.”

The look of silence on his face was priceless.



73. I Don’t Need Your Change, Sweetie

“Sweetie, you were amazing. Here is a pamphlet for my church. I hope you know where you’re going. I would hate to go to heaven and not see you there. Oh, and you can keep the change, sweetie it’s all yours.”

Change: is $0.22 on a $68 tab.

Me: You can keep all that change. Sweetie.



74. Such A Perfect Moment

I was working the counter at a ski resort’s cafe. This teenage douche came up with french fries and said that he didn’t bring any money, so could he just have them for free? I said nope. He said, “But I’m a good customer.”

And I said okay, but fries are for paying customers and proceeded to take them away from him and pop one in my mouth right in front of him.

He had nothing to say to that, but his friend cracked up and apologized for him. When I turned around, all of my co-workers were in awe of how perfect the moment was.



75. Yes, Guac Is Extra

I worked at Chipotle as a cashier, and I got an unbelievable amount of sh*t, most of which I ignored.

The best and easiest to respond to complaints were when people tried to get free guac by complaining that nobody told them that guac was extra.

Every single time I would just point to the sign on the glass that says guac is extra and wouldn’t say a word. It was incredibly satisfying.



76. No Free Stuff For You

This was back when I used to work at a KFC/Taco Bell. Guy ordered the two-piece chicken special.

Ate all of it. Comes up to complain that he didn’t like it. Mind you, he had devoured it until all of it was gone.

The manager doesn’t want to deal with him as he’s a bit crazy/comes in a lot, so he gives him another two pieces for free.

The guy eats all of it again. Comes up to register and tries to do the same thing he did to my manager with me.

Says he doesn’t like it again and wants another one. I reply, “Okay. That will be $2.50 (or whatever price it was back then), and no, you will not get it for free.

All the grease all over your face shows you liked it a lot – now pay up or go home.”

The guy was too stunned to do anything – and walked off without the food. My manager later yelled at me for being rude but also high-fived me because that guy was a constant asshole and always tried to get stuff for free.

I quit working there, and they closed the place down, but my former manager says the guy stopped trying to get it for free and actually paid for every meal after that.



77. Treat Me Like A Dog? I’ll Act Like A Dog

My mom worked as a waitress at an ABC like 40 years ago and when people would whistle for her, she would run over with her hands up like puppy paws and panting with her tongue out like a dog.



78. “Enjoy Your Soup”

Had a guy ask me to bring him some pepper to the table so I happily obliged. As I’m walking away after giving him the pepper, he snaps his fingers behind my back.

“This pepper… It’s not coarse enough.” I turned back and said, “I’m sorry… but that’s the only pepper we have.” “Mmmm, yeah, you can take this back, then maybe you could go get me some sea salt instead.”

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have sea salt, just regular table salt.” “Mmmm, I’m sorry, I must have mistaken this place for an ACTUAL restaurant.” “And I am sorry too sir, you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a sh*t about your obnoxious demands. Enjoy your soup.”



79. Not Rare Enough

Me and a buddy worked a grill in town. A customer came in and asked for a steak that was rare.

My buddy cooked it with plenty of pink on the inside like he always does and never once had a complaint.

Waitress serves it to the customer, and he complains that it WASN’T rare enough. The owner of the restaurant was so pissed that he pulled out another steak and slammed it on the grill. 5 seconds on one side and 5 on the other side and served it to the guy himself.

Sure enough, he ate the whole steak and used the complimentary rolls to soak up the blood and eat them.



80. Good Luck, Sir

I work at a specialty coffee shop that is not the cutest looking on the inside. A woman came in and tried to order a drink that we don’t have and isn’t on our menu.

She became pissed even though I calmly explained other options to her. She is in front of a long line of people and says very loudly, “I have been to way more fancy coffee shops than this place”.

To which I replied, “Me too.” She stormed out, and her SO stayed to place his order. He looked so embarrassed but really wanted his drink.

As I hand it to him, I said, “Have a good day and good luck sir” nodding towards the door. He said “thanks” and went on his way.



81. She Deserved It

We had a table that was pretty rude, and one of the waitresses had just told off one of the guys for grabbing her and basically told him not to touch her in a firm but not necessarily rude tone.

They seemed pretty angry, having just been told off by the waitress, and so when I took their food over, they were pretty much looking for a fight.

I put down a woman’s dish, and she yelled: “What am I supposed to eat this with?” I replied, “You could use the fork that’s right next to your plate, or would you like me to get you something else?”

She went red and yelled back, “Fine, I’ll just use this then!” And grabbed a tiny teaspoon that was meant to be used for stirring coffee which was right in front of her because she was too stubborn to actually use the fork she didn’t see. It was marvelous!



82. It Shows

I had a suited and booted guy try to pay for a mars bar with a £50 note around a minute after we opened kick off at me because I couldn’t change the note.

We had literally just opened, and I didn’t have the cash in my till yet. There was a crowd building behind him of people wanting their morning paper and coffee as he starts yelling about how, “I earn more in a day than you earn in a month!”

And I responded with, “Yeah dickhead, it shows!” And the entire queue laughs. He wasn’t too happy with my response!



83. A Power Move

I worked at a late-night restaurant, and one day, a really snobby customer came in demanding a refund and being a total b*tch.

She asked to talk to the manager and threatened to never come back, it just happened that she was talking to the owner.

He paid her $20 to leave and never come in again. Power move, I love that guy.



84. I Gave Him The Worst Service Ever

I was waiting tables one lunch shift. This middle-aged guy came in as one top. When I got to the table, there were five one-dollar bills laying on the table.

He proceeded to tell me that this was the maximum I could get as a tip from him, and he would take one away each time he felt I wasn’t delivering top-notch service.

I left the table with a smile, told my manager, and she said to give him the worst possible service. So I did. I would leave his glass empty.

Put his order in late. I didn’t care about the tip. Got zero from him, and it was really nice knowing I had manager support.



85. Not Hot Enough

My uncle used to deal with little old Jewish ladies, and they’d ALWAYS complain their soups were not hot enough, no matter if it was boiling in the boil.

Anyways one particular lady had my uncle bring her soup back like four times or something outrageous, and she asked another time, and my uncle said in the gayest and sassiest way, “Your soup isn’t hot enough? That’s not what you’d be telling your lawyer if I spilled it in your lap.”



86. It’s A Tomato

Once worked at a Taco Bell, and some woman tried to complain that her beef was undercooked and that it was red.

I looked her deadpan in the face and said, “Yeah, because that’s a tomato. The meat is precooked and colored, so it’s impossible to be pink.”

The huffiness on her face was genuinely entertaining to me. And I told her to bring it up to the counter to let me see and just make sure for quality control.

Spoiler: She didn’t



87. Thank God She Left

 I’m a manager at a fast food joint, told an abusive customer if she kept abusing my staff, I’d have to kick her out at which point she replied, “I’m not abusing your staff I’m abusing you!”

Literally left me speechless, thankfully she then raged out and sped off from the drive-thru with neither her food or change…



88. The Customer Is Not Always Right

Bar staff here. Short and simple. Had a guy get angry at me because he made his order unclear, and he comes out with my favourite phrase in the world.

“I don’t care. The customers are always right.”

Just looked him in the eyes and said: Yeah, not while I’m behind the bar, mate.”

He shut up, and the reaction of his friends was priceless.



89. You’d Be Surprised

I worked at a highly inefficient upscale burger place. One time during a particularly bad rush, a customer had been waiting 20 minutes for her order and asked, “Come on, how long does it take to make some burgers?!”

Before I could stop myself, I said, “You’d be surprised.”



90. I Couldn’t Care Less

Don’t work at a restaurant, but I do work retail as a Department Manager.

Besides the cashiers in the store, sometimes we have to drop what we’re doing in our departments and answer cashier backup. I was particularly irritable that day, I was busy and had a headache out of this world.

Mind you, as someone who has worked in retail for years, I am used to hearing all of the same jokes when I work at the registers, and since this was the wrong day to catch me on, I had no tolerance at this point to even bother smiling or responding to the next person who said, “Ope, I guess it’s free,” when an item was failing to scan for me. It went a bit like this:

“Guess it’s free,” comment.

Me: Silent, keeping my attention on the screen.

Customer: “Oh, I guess you’re going to ignore me.” And then proceeds to chuckle passive aggressively until the chuckles die off into pathetic nothingness.

Sometimes the best clapback is no clapback.



91. Jokes On Them

I worked at a drive-thru coffee shop for a while. Whenever a customer was rude over the drive-thru speaker, they’d frequently just ignore me at the window because it’s easier to be a dick when you’re not looking at the person, I guess. I had this conversation many times:

“How are you?”

No response.

“Your total is x.”

Gives me the card, won’t even look at me. Acting like this is the biggest inconvenience they’ve ever dealt with.

“Do you have a stamp card?”


So I would give these customers their order as they continued to ignore me and say “You’re welcome! Have a nice day!”, shut the window before they could react, then smile and wave as they glared at me before accepting their defeat.



92. There’s No Randy Here, Man

I worked in a comedy club a while ago, and this really drunk guy who we kicked out because he kept interrupting the show.

He threatened, ” You all will be fired, I know the silent owner, Randy.” There has never been even an employee named Randy.


93. Oh, Is It?

A lady complained about her milkshake and (rudely) demanded I make it again. I poured it into a different cup and gave it back. She took a sip and said it was much better.



94. Not My Problem

Someone lost their keys at a buddy’s table the other night and then got mad that he hadn’t made a good enough effort to find his keys.

So when the customer called the server a bad worker for not finding his keys, I called the customer an idiot for losing them in the first place.

Customer: You should have looked harder for the keys I lost earlier.

Me: Shouldn’t have lost your keys.



95. The Annoying Underage People

I’m working at a liquor store, and it has its moments. It’s honestly crazy how many young people come in without ID.

A lot of them try to argue, “I was here yesterday/last week. I never get ID’d here, I know the owner, or I’m XX years old” I say things like, “Well, if that’s how old you are, you have to prove it to me.”

Or sometimes, if I’m feeling extra salty, I’ll tell them about the fines that could be incurred if I do serve them and get caught. ($5000 personal fine and the store gets a $50,000 fine) and then if they continue, I add the 55 grand to their total of whatever they are trying to buy.

Also, once, I had a guy who tried to “jokingly” threaten my coworker. We asked him to leave, and he said, “Sheesh, you guys can’t take a joke, don’t come to my comedy show,” I told him, “We don’t take jokes like that here, try it at airport security next time.”



96. Pull Forward, Please

Guy refused to pull forward for his food, and I said, “There are people behind you whose food is ready, please pull forward” he said, “How long will the wait be?”

I said I didn’t know because I’m not on the grill. He said he wouldn’t pull forward unless he knew how long he’d be waiting. I said, “Okay, fine. 2 minutes. Pull forward.”



97. Your Weight Is The Problem

During my gap year before heading off to university, I worked the whole year at my dad’s furniture store.

He flew away to China for a couple of weeks, so I had to take over obviously. One woman was looking for a queen-sized bed but on the cheaper side of things.

I had one to offer her that she liked. And, with all the convincing and generous client discounts I was sending her way, she refused to buy it because she assumes it would break the minute she sleeps on it, saying the bed is “weak,” “flimsy,” albeit cheap.

I rolled my eyes in mockery and just told her that you’re just “BIG,” ma’am. Clearly, if you want a bed to withstand your weight, you should buy a bed strong enough for that.

I’ve had several cases where clients buy furniture that cannot withstand their weight and come a few weeks later to complain that the furniture is broken or damaged.



98. Not That Cold

My mom told me when she worked at McDonald’s, some guy rudely came up and said that his chips (french fries) were cold.

To which she just got one, shoved it up her nose, said, “That’s not cold,” and put it back with the rest of them and walked away. She had to see the manager over that one.



99. I Bet He Enjoyed His Pizza

A guy was being ridiculously rude about coupons when he had already gotten a significant discount. He left to go shopping while we made his pizza and I poured a butt ton of jalapeño juice on it.

Wrapped it up, smiled, gave it to him when he got back, and told him to have an awesome evening.



100. No More Wine

“Why do you need more wine when you’re whining enough already?” Note, I worked at a retirement home at the time and I was very familiar with the elderly couple. The man’s wife got a kick out of it.



101. Davis Saves Me Every Time

Was working at a bar, and this dude kept coming to take free shots claiming he was friends with the owner and just making a mess out of everything.

After an hour or so, I just stood up and told him to cut it, or I’d call security, to which he replied he would get me fired.

So I called my favorite bouncer “Davis.”

Davis is a 6’9 massive Congolese French Foreign Legion veteran. Let’s just say he never returned.



102. Listen To Your Wife

Fancy Cheesecake-Making Restaurant. Huge menu, All-day breakfast. The guy looks like hipster Gene Wilder with his family.

Tries to order a build-your-own omelet with ingredients we don’t have. I tell him, “All the ingredient options are listed on the menu.” He says, “No, you have them in some salad,” as he flips back through the menu.

His wife says, “You must be thinking of the other place..” He cuts her off and says, “No, it’s here.” I say, “Sir, your wife is right.”

He gets a burger instead. Silent afterwards.



103. Rare To Medium

Was working in a steakhouse. The guy wasn’t really rude, just kind of a pain in the ass. He orders a strip steak, and when I asked how he wanted it cooked, he just says, “Rare to medium”.

“Do you mean medium rare?”

But he’s back to his friends and ignores me.

So I put “Rare to Medium” on the ticket and tell the cook I don’t know what it means either, only that’s what the customer said, and it doesn’t mean medium rare.

“No problem,” he tells me. This was also one of those places that put little stakes indicating the doneness in the steaks when plating. One of the steaks has two, one reading Medium and the other Rare. Guess whose steak that was?



104. We Don’t Serve Rude People

My parents owned a drive-thru coffee shop. Mom and pop kinda place, people came for the service and quality. Drive-thru was a perk, but you ordered and were served at the window – not fast food style.

One day this car in the line just starts honking away. They were not trapped in the drive-thru and could easily have pulled away, but instead, they sat behind a person who had just placed their order and honked away.

Once they finally get to the window, my dad asks, “Was that you honking?” and the person all impatient like says, “Well, yeah.” My dad says, “We don’t serve rude people” and closes the window on them. He got a full round of applause from the people inside.



105. Treat People Like They Treat You

Nothing unique, but when I used to work in customer service, someone threw cash at me. I threw their change back in the same manner instead of handing it back in their hand.



106. Don’t Yell At Me

Customer is yelling at me because someone sold them the wrong cable.

Me: Do you want my help or not?

Customer: Well, yes.

Me: Then stop yelling at me for something I didn’t even do.

Never had a problem with that customer since.



107. I Scared Him

A guy comes in about once a month and always Sunday night (when I’m working), and he returns a brother laser printer with the receipt and then buys the same exact one.

But not on the same ticket, of course. So most recently, I decided to give him great customer service. When he buys the new printer, I decided to fully explain the protection plan and that it was only X and “you won’t have to return it once a month.”

The dude starts shaking, but I’m using my nice customer service voice, so I sound like I’m just trying to help. I’m just happy I scared someone.



108. So Sorry For The Inconvenience

When I worked in a restaurant and had a stupidly difficult customer, I’d end the interaction by being very patronizing with a huge fake smile.

For example, the all-too-frequent customer who expected you to read their mind would get a “SO sorry for the inconvenience.

Next time, would you mind just letting the server know exactly what you want?” Very satisfying.



109. My Manager Thought It Was Hilarious

I used to bartend in Austin on 6th street, so I had to deal with a ton of entitled fratboys. One guy ordered a beer, chugged it in front of me, and set it on my spill mat.

For the uninitiated, this is the universal sign that someone has finished their beverage.

I pick up the bottle, which has less than an ounce of backwash left in it, and throw it away. The fratboy then gets angry, saying he wasn’t finished, and demands another beer for free. I told him I would be happy to replace his drink.

I open a new beer and pour almost all of it down the sink, leaving less than an ounce at the bottom. Hand him his new, basically empty beer and smile.

Luckily my manager had dealt with similar situations for years and saw the whole interaction, so he thought it was hilarious.



110. You’re Not That Important

I work at a hospital, so phone calls are usually “my mom needs more pain meds and a fluffed pillow, and a three Michelin star dinner served on a silver platter.” My reply nine times out of ten is, “What’s your mom’s name?”



111. She Did The Right Thing

I heard of someone who “put herself on mute, locked station, and walked the floor to help other agents for 45 minutes before coming back and the caller was still ranting.”

Working for call centers and getting all the yelling and screaming is exhausting mentally and emotionally.



112. Would You Like An Application?

My grandfather used to work at Walmart, and he got an angry customer on the phone. At the end of the rant, the customer said, “DO THEY ONLY LET IDIOTS WORK THERE OR WHAT?” And my grandfather responded, “Why Yes, would you like an application?” He only had to take two days off without pay, lol.


113. Works Like A Charm

Worked for 4 years for Verizon at an inbound call center. This was my go-to move with angry customers. Just sit there quietly typing up my notes and let them blow themselves out of steam.

When they ask are you there, yes, sir/maam, just listening to what you are saying and noting your account of the situation.

They are usually (usually) much calmer after getting to vent for a few minutes.



114. “Have A Nice Day”

I always merrily and obnoxiously tell them to have a nice day when they leave screaming. It always makes them fume. But what are they going to do? Complain to my boss that I told them to have a nice day? I’m sure that will go over well.



115. Always The Coupons

I told this angry woman I was sorry for her inconvenience, and she told me she didn’t think I was. To be fair, it’s hard to feel sorry for her when she was throwing a tantrum over $1 worth of coupons.



116. I Love Nice Regulars

I was working as a bartender one night, and this guy was just being a general pain in the ass. Most of the bar is made up of regulars who are generally pretty patient and understanding when we are swamped.

This guy was complaining about everything. He finally is ready to go, and I give him his check and head over to the other side of the bar in hopes of not dealing with him again.

He gets up to leave, and one of the regulars sitting next to him says, “You were that rude and that much of a pain in the ass, and that is seriously all your leaving?” Did everything I could not to burst out laughing. Good regulars can be the best.



117. Caught In A Lie

 A woman called me to tell me she found my wallet. It had been gone a good while, and all the money was gone out of it. She mentioned that she recently bought a Tiffany necklace for her daughter that was just stolen, and it made her think of my wallet, so she reached out.

I got the feeling that was the ONLY reason she reached out and that she had taken my cash. I thanked her and asked her if I could share her story on Facebook, because “maybe someone will know something about the necklace.”

She agreed and I posted, “May karma help this woman find her necklace, in the same way she helped return my wallet to me.” She blocked the post.



118. Staying Cool Is Part Of My Job

I once had a customer screaming bloody blue murder at me, and when I continued to respond to her calmly, she snapped even further and yelled, “You don’t have to be so COOL!”

Not only do I have to stay cool and collected because it’s part of my job, but I also do it because it’s hilarious.



119. My Special Policy

I did gas stations for about four years in the 00’s. This was absolutely something I started doing intentionally after a couple of years.

My policy was to return your card/change/receipt in the same manner that you handed it off to me. If you want to be a prick and set something on the counter when I have my hand open in front of you, then I will do the same to you.



120. Good Times

When I worked as a casino cashier, I wasn’t allowed to make any hand-to-hand contact for obvious reasons.

People would stick their hands in between the cage bars wanting me to drop money into their hands, and I would step back out of reach and count it out on the counter (for the camera), pick it up and set it up in the customer area of the counter several feet away so they’d have to pull their hand back and walk a few feet to grab their money.

If they were really rude, I would make eye contact with them the whole time.



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