Comebacks
Everyone loves a good comeback. Whether it’s one said by an employee to a boss or a snarky customer, the things people can make up are often astonishing.
They can be clever comebacks or even just simple quips, but that doesn’t make them any less hilarious.
Here are the best and funniest comebacks told from the eyes of Redditors.
Those Who Can’t Do, Burn
We were in 6th grade, and there was this kid who was always the troublemaker, Richie. One day while Richie was making trouble in Mr. Franklin’s class, Mr. Franklin reached his breaking point. “Richie, quit screwing around and being disruptive and just apply yourself.
You are going to be 40 years old, still in the 6th grade”. His reply will haunt me forever.
Richie looked him in the eye and retorted, “You’re 40 and still in the 6th grade”.
Our next Redditor made the best comeback when his masculinity came into question. He defended his honor and his girlfriend’s.
Reddit/bercritic
Zero To Hero
A long time ago, I was walking down a side street in a medium-sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens. I immediately sensed trouble.
I could tell they were likely going to say something because my girlfriend was rather attractive. As soon as we came up next to them, I heard, “Hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero.”
I could feel my blood boil, but I kept my cool and calmly said, “Sorry buddy, I’m not gay…and don’t call my girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend started laughing at him, and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh.
Sometimes even children manage to come up with some pretty amazing comebacks. Even when they don’t mean to, they can really pack a punch.
Reddit/gman0009
Family Feud
I was eight or nine at the time, and my mother and I had to pay a brief visit to my biological father’s mother. My biological father was not a good guy. He refused to pay child support for years, but once in a while, he would just send money to his mom, so my mom and I had to travel for four hours just to get it.
Money was tight, so we just had to deal with it, and he knew it. It was one of his ways of trying to humiliate us. My biological grandma wasn’t any better, either. This witch had been ruining my mom’s life from way before she divorced my dad. Her favorite was treating my mother like trash throughout her pregnancy.
Honestly, I wish we weren’t related by blood. So, my mom and I are sitting at her table one day on one of these child support trips. This witch pulls out a couple of big bills and gives them to me, telling me how generous she is to spare some for me (?!).
I looked her square in the eye and said, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t take money from a stranger.” The look on her face was priceless. Mom got me ice cream on the way back.
Tensions can run high in the army, especially when a subordinate and a superior officer don’t see eye to eye.
Reddit/Permalink
Office Frogger
Big burly former marine from Iraq was back stateside, working in my office. He was a huge mountain of a man. We came to face each other in one of the narrow corridors of the office, where one of us was gonna have to turn sideways. Neither of us turned, but we stopped. I’m six foot one and 260 pounds, and he still towered over me.
He was a nice guy but still a little…” conditioned,” I guess you could say, or mentally unhinged. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “You feeling froggy”? My response was truly like something out of a movie.
Without blinking, I replied, “You better jump.” We both cracked up and turned sideways while the office breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Some of the best comebacks come organically and unexpectedly. Our next Redditor found out from his girlfriend.
Reddit/jvhero
Driving Her Point Home
I was in the grocery store with my girlfriend, and she lightly bumped her cart into a middle-aged guy’s cart by accident. But we didn’t know what he was about to say.
She apologized, and the guy went, “Oh, don’t worry, you know what they say about female drivers.” Without missing a beat, she replied, “Yeah, the same thing they say about elderly ones.”
I had to sprint away because I almost lost it. I have never seen an entitled old guy look so gobsmacked.
Sometimes comebacks are the only thing that’ll get someone to shape up. This disgruntled worker learned that the hard way.
Reddit/Thaxarybinks
Uncle Zinger
My uncle and I worked at Burger King together. I was a shift lead. He was complaining to me about a useless coworker that none of us wanted to work with.
This guy was maybe a year older than me (I’m 22) and was just in a poor state. He doesn’t shower, his arms are covered in track marks, and he shows up late or not at all.
Even when he did show up, he’d over-extend his breaks and would get high on the clock. He overheard my uncle and started to pipe up to stop him when my uncle turned and flat-out told him, “You’re about as useful as a submarine with screen doors.” But then he took it one step further. He doubled down with, “I’ve had more intelligent conversations with a couch from Ikea.”
What about when a comeback comes from a fourth-grader? This next Redditor was the unfortunate teacher that was on the receiving end of a comeback.
Reddit/November_Dawn_11
Schooled
I am a fourth-grade teacher, and one day I was up at the board and struggling to remember how to spell a particular word.
I was trying to make light of it, telling the kids that sometimes adults need help with spelling too. A kid decided to respond.
One student replied, “It is because you were poorly educated. But don’t worry, we are poorly educated too”. Double whammy.
Not all comebacks have to be verbal. One disgruntled employee took things to the next level when his boss started chewing him out.
Reddit/LapshuNaUshii
Taking Out The Trash
I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like four or five am to unload trucks. One morning, I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about ten minutes late, eating a breakfast bar. I saw the boss storming over—and knew I was in for it.
He started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late. As he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without many expressions, mainly because I was so tired. It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling, and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that thing”!
It just happened that I only had one bite left, so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said, “Thanks,” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his yelling. We were buddies after that.
Asking a stranger inappropriate questions can often lead to unexpected reactions. This Redditor’s friend learned that the hard way.
Reddit/OTIStheHOUND
Great Scot!
At the Scottish games, one dude thought he’d be smart and asked a performer a rather inappropriate question.
The performer was wearing a kilt, and so this guy asked him: “What do you wear under that skirt?”
The guy did not skip a beat and said, “Your mother’s lipstick.” It was the perfect comeback. I laughed, and so did the guy’s buddies.
Snarky customers are oftentimes the worst. But when the employee thinks of a snappy comeback, it’s all worth it.
Reddit/RHMS21
Warranty Woes
I worked in cell phone sales for a few years, and a woman came in with a fairly new flip phone—this was 2018, and we still sold them. She was complaining because one of the sides of the screen was dangling off and said she didn’t do anything. It just snapped. She demanded a new phone.
I told her, “That looks like physical damage, and we don’t have any coverage for that since you didn’t buy a phone protection warranty.” She did not take this news well.
She insisted it wasn’t physical damage and the phone just sucked and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face. And then the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me. I just looked her in the eyes and said, “Well, that was definitely physical damage.” She lost it at my comment, and it was weirdly satisfying.
Reddit/fizzywaterisfizzy
Comfortably Numb
I was around 17 or 18 and getting my first filling at the dentist. They pumped me up with nitrous oxide for pain and to help me relax during the procedure. The dentist came back and asked me, “How are you feeling”? All I said was, “I don’t,” and he lost it.
He cracked up for what seemed like 20 minutes before he could pull himself together. I also started cracking up because of the laughing gas and because his laugh was infectious. So we were both just sitting in the room laughing, and all his assistants came by and were very confused, lol.
Kids always come up with the best comebacks somehow. One lady in a grocery store regrets insulting a little girl.
Reddit/Legit_a_Mint
13. Double Your Fun
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they’re little, and it’s a pain for everyone, including the kids. They don’t always want attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls.
One of the girls is very much a people person and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn’t up for that, so she wasn’t participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introverted kid, “Your sister is so much prettier than you are.” Without missing a beat, my tiny little girl looked that woman in the eyes and destroyed her.
She said, “And you’re so much fatter than my sister is, too.” My boyfriend managed to get the cart onto the next aisle before laughing his head off.
Sometimes comebacks don’t have to be serious or spiteful. This next one had a whole room of people erupting in laughter.
Reddit/Braeica
Memorable Meeting
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been feverishly working while the meeting is going on. This happened again one day when the devices just wouldn’t talk to one another, and I didn’t have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff.
It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor, and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn’t connecting. “So, Marv, you can’t get it up?” I immediately hung my head and said, “Oh, don’t say it like THAT!” The entire office broke up, and they never let him live it down.
Some of the most justified comebacks are when they’re in response to someone being a bully. This guy sure showed his coworker he was sick of his insults.
Reddit/Marvinator2003
Get Shorty
I work in a factory with a short guy. This other dude picked on him incessantly, and for the most part, he let the insults slide off his back.
But, one day, he got to the end of his rope. The taller guy asked, “Do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?”
The short guy turned to the guy beside him and asked, “Will you pick me up so he can kiss my butt?” I was in tears.
Family mischief can often cause people to roll in stitches. But on vacations, it can be especially fun when the whole family is invited.
Reddit/MISFITS
Check The Calendar
On a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering her birthday—I’ve never been good with birthdays—after telling me it was the password to her iPhone. She wanted me to take a picture with it, which is why I needed the password.
While she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changed her password to my birthdate, and then set her phone down. Cue 15 minutes later, she was trying to get into her phone, and it wasn’t working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asked me if I had changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family.
I admitted that I did. “Well, what is it”? She asked impatiently. “It’s my birth date.” She gave me this stunned look, like a deer in headlights. She sat there silent for about 15 seconds, not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing. It was a good time.
One Redditor had a stutter when they had to give their speech to their class. They had the perfect response to a rude individual.
Reddit/Seeker7fold
Did I Stutter?
I was in the middle of an oral history report on George Washington. Usually, I don’t give them in front of the class because I stutter, but my speech therapist encouraged me to take a leap of faith, so I told the teacher I could give them in class.
But it backfired almost immediately. I accidentally called him Thomas Jefferson because I was so nervous.
A rude girl in the back snickers and hollers, “I knew your brain was messed up!” Still, I reply, “W-w-w-well at l-least I h-h-have a b-brain to m-mess up.” A few of my classmates actually stood up to give me a standing ovation at the end of my report. Thinking about it still makes me tear up. Today, I can mostly speak without stuttering.
People’s egos can sometimes be a lot bigger than they think. One guy at a bar got a wake-up call from a woman who rejected him.
Reddit/elephantinegrace
Burn At The Bar
Whilst training in the British army, we went out for a few drinks, and every unit had that one Bell-end that thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Ours spotted a good-looking girl at the bar and announced to us all to watch the master at work. He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says, “I’ve got the biggest junk you’ll ever see and will give you the time of your life.”
The girl responds as quickly as a flash, “Is it really big?” He says yeah. She asks if it reaches his butt. He, being the jerk that he is, responds, “Of course it does.”
She comes back with, “Great. You can go screw yourself then.” He ran off like his hair was on fire, and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
Comebacks don’t always have to be intentional. This next dad on Father’s Day found this out all too easily.
Reddit/Are-Sole
Unsolicited Advice
This was too good to be true. I was in line at Safeway, and the guy in front of me was on the phone with his son next to him.
The woman behind him said, “You should be talking to your son. It’s Father’s Day”. Without missing a beat, he said, “Gotta go, dad,” and hung up.
The look on that sourpuss’s face was priceless. I still think about it sometimes today.
Nothing’s worse than a person who tries to dodge insurance calls, but this next Redditor luckily bumped into him years later. Her comeback was amazing.
Reddit/theisntist
Karma
When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his car, but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my no money at the time keeping it on the road. I was going literally 11 km/h in a parking lot, and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance info, and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed.
He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600, which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a snooty lawyer—my dad is a court attorney, and while I have never used this flex, I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him.
Fifteen minutes later, I got a call and was told that the insurance would go forward. Fast forward like eight years, I was bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event was going on. It was just for local business people to rub elbows and network. This lawyer douche was really feeling himself and charming the room. He looked eerily familiar, and it hit me all at once who he was.
He ordered a drink from me and then stopped and said, “Hey, miss, do I know you”? So I came back loudly with, “Well, not really, but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you wanna open a tab for the drink or close out now”?
Comedians often have the best improvisation. This Redditor was no exception when asked if he thought he was funny.
Reddit/hieronymous_scotch
The Joker
I’m a writer, and I do a bit of stand-up comedy. As such, people tend to introduce me to new people as a “comedian,” “writer,” etc. So I was outside a bar smoking with a friend of a friend. He then introduced me to one of his friends. His friend was dressed like Liam Gallagher from Oasis and seemed to exude a bit of a cocky sneery manner.
The introduction went thusly; Friend of Friend: “Mr. Gallagher, this is my friend. He’s a comedian.” Mr. Gallagher: (looks me up and down) “Comedian, eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny”? Me: “No, it means everyone else does.”
I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response. It just came out. And it was hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.
Sometimes the best comebacks are actions rather than words. This next guy had the perfect comeback to being pantsed at a party.
Reddit/TheWriterOfWrongs
Who Wears The Pants?
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all, at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up immediately, he just kept going about his business while his dong hung out for all to see. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious.
The people at the party that didn’t know him looked uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his weiner hanging freely. Our friend, the host, said, “Dude, why don’t you pull your pants up?”
The pantsed guy said, “I didn’t pull them down.” Then took his turn in pong. But the best part of all? The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend’s pants back up.
Workplace banter can normally lead to some hilarious and memorable moments. Our next Redditor did just that when he bumped into someone at his work.
Reddit/Wato89
Vertically Challenged
I work in waste management. I’m also a rather small person, like, “they don’t make clothes at Old Navy in my size” small. I was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock, navigating pretty much purely on instinct since I couldn’t see over or around them. Lo and behold, there was someone there chatting with the shipping people. I ran straight into him.
I was surrounded by everyone in shipping, some fairly big dudes, and I felt amazingly embarrassed. I leaned around the drums to look at the guy I hit and, without even thinking, said, “What did you want me to do, see through ’em”?
Everyone burst out laughing, and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me. Every time I see him now, he pretends to duck.
Friends can also often give juicy and unexpected comebacks just for laughs. This Redditor was talking about the most humane way to pass away.
Reddit/blueshran
Tough Love
A guy I went to school with thought he was God’s gift to women. He was seriously so annoying, and it bothered me even being around him. One day, for some reason, he was discussing the most humane ways to die.
He says, “If I ever had to end someone, I would make love with them until they passed.” Oh, I got him so good.
Without even really thinking about it, I responded, “Aw, how cruel, letting someone die of boredom.”
What kind of comeback do you get when instead of a customer being rude, it’s the server? Well, this next Redditor found out.
bayside_tiger
And That’s The Tea
I was the sole male on a business trip with some female coworkers. They wanted to have lunch in a little tea house, and I didn’t care, so in we went. The tea house provided frilly hats to wear during tea, and of course, they all insisted that I wear a pink one. Whatever, it’s all good, right? Well, apparently not so much.
The woman who owned the place ran it with her son, and he gave me no end of grief about wearing it. Every time he came into the small dining room, where a half dozen or so other people were also having lunch, he made some comment about how I should take it off, be more manly, and so on. He just wouldn’t let it go.
His insistence finally started getting on my nerves, so the next time he came in and made a comment about the hat, I piped up. “It could be worse,” I said. The whole room was silenced to hear what I would say. “I could work in a tea house with my mommy.” The whole room erupted. Even his mom laughed. He laughed too, but I could tell it had struck a chord.
He didn’t really talk much the rest of the time we were there. In truth, I felt bad about it. I actually had a lot of respect for him helping his mom out like that. I just wanted him to stop bugging me about the hat.
Nurses can even think of amazing comebacks while in the operating room. What she said to the father was unbelievable.
Reddit/production
How A Nurse Became A Legend
This woman had just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.
The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there.” Without missing a beat, the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?”
Everyone in the room erupted in laughter, and the man went bright red. The nurse was a legend on the floor for that.
Here’s another comeback that an employee said to their boss. This one didn’t end well for the boss.
Reddit/FrozenExpanse
Be Careful What You Wish For
I had this horrible boss who never recognized all the good I did. She only berated me for every perceived mistake.
Well, one day, I made a small mistake at work, and she flat-out told me, “Get yourself together. I can fire you and find someone who could do this better in five minutes!” I’d had enough—and I let her know it in the best way possible.
I took my apron off and, as head waiter 10 minutes before a Friday lunch rush, handed it to her. Then I said, “You’ve got five minutes.”
Our next Redditor was asked if their hand-eye coordination was any good. Once they saw the guy had a bandage on, they knew exactly how to respond.
Reddit/CajunSasquatch
Watch Your Finger
I became a store management trainee at a large grocery chain years ago. Part of the training was that you had to spend a week or so working in each department, learning how they worked and operated. Basically, I was just free help for that week’s department. This particular week I was in the meat department.
One of the guys had just returned from a couple of days off because he had accidentally cut his finger on the bone saw. He was still sporting a pretty big bandage on the digit he cut. He was told to show me how to use the meat cuber/tenderizer for making cubed steak, and he walked up and asked, “How’s your hand-eye coordination”?
I immediately responded with, “Hopefully better than yours”! Everyone back there erupted in laughter that didn’t stop for what seemed a long time.
Tensions can often be helped by just a bit of laughter. That’s what this next Redditor did in an uncomfortable situation.
Reddit/andwesway
Sent By Mail
This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester, I introduced myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor. The guy was a genius but also tough. Students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people, and if they hadn’t made enough effort beforehand, he’d send them out of his office to learn on their own.
As I walked into his office, he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere. He looked up to see my response, and I just responded perfectly without thinking.
“I wouldn’t mind going somewhere nice…” Dude laughed so hard that it actually startled me a little. We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester, so it all worked out really well! It’s amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension.
Debating in high school means that a lot of teenagers say things that even the teacher doesn’t expect. This one was something everyone would remember.
Reddit/leilalover
Mouthing Off
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. The two arguing the hardest both had interesting reputations.
The kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told the girl that had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth.
“At least people like it when I open my mouth!” She retorted.
The entire class lost it, including the teacher. He never lived it down afterwards.
Reddit/Mb4828
