11. Ignore Me? I’ll Ruin Your Lawn
When I was in high school, I had a friend who was a grade higher than me. We lived down the block from each other.
One day at school, I saw him in the hallway and asked him a question about soccer, which we both played. He looked at me and said, “Do I know you?” and walked off. I blew it off, and when I got home went over to his house to talk to him about it. He said, “Sorry, but you are a junior, and I am a Senior. I have standards.”
I hated him for this comment. I spent a good two months hashing out my plan for revenge. I figured out that his mom and dad love their lawn and manicure it every two to three days. I found out about his only child insecurity. He hated lawn work.
One Friday night, I found a Jewish deli that made fresh dough for bagels. They throw out the rest of the dough from the bagels at the end of the night. At midnight, I grabbed a trash bag of this dough and headed to my “friend’s” house.
For the next 5 minutes, I threw little chunks of dough all over his lawn. By the way, this was in the full summer heat in the southern US.
The next day when the sun rose, those little nuggets of dough started to rise like fucking hybrid mushrooms all over his lawn, and they stuck to the lawn like concrete.
His mother and father came out to go to work and were horrified. They blamed their son and his senior classmates for it, and he spent the entire weekend scrapping that dough up.