“Not Saving My Face TODAY!”: Compilation of Crazy Confessions

Every person has their own secrets that they want to confess but have a hard time finding the perfect timing. And yes, it is bothersome to keep it but would you have the courage to expose it? Check these minor confessions and you will find them VERY interesting!

1. Backyard Shopping Cart

I have a shopping cart in my backyard. A homeless person left it in my front yard. He took everything out of it, so it was empty. It had a "Call this number and we will retrieve this cart" phone number on it. The cart belonged to a BIG STORE chain that everyone has heard about. The person who answered asked me to identify the cart. It had some sort of number or word on it - I don't recall. The employee told me the cart came from the store a good 15 miles north of me. And to call that store. Okay? The sign on the cart said to call this number. Nope. They don't do that anymore. Call the other store. 

I called the other store. They said they were not going to come and get it because I was outside of their "range". Instead, I should take the cart to their closest store. I take the cart? Dude... I'm doing you a solid here just by telling you where it is. Okay, call the local store. The local store says they don't pick up carts that don't belong to them. They told me to call their cart recovery service, who will deliver the cart. Okay, now we are going somewhere! I called the cart delivery service. They tell me that they will pick up the cart and deliver it. But they told me something so crazy.

They’ll deliver it If I pay them $20. What!? You should pay me! "You know it is against city law to keep a grocery store's cart? You could get arrested for it." Fine. Thank you for that advice. So, on the advice of the cart delivery service, I removed identifying signs from the cart. It now serves as an aluminum can holder in my backyard. I bolted a can crusher to it. When the cart is full, I crush the cans. When I fill a 35-gallon trash can with crushed cans, I toss it in the bed of my truck and cash out. I get about $30 bucks or so for it, a couple of times a year.


2. Ice Cream Routine

There was a 3 week period of my life where every day I would purchase a large Dairy Queen blizzard, then park and consume it alone in my car. 

One day I finished my Blizzard but wasn’t satisfied, by this time I had been going to the same Dairy Queen for so long the drive-through workers recognized me. Instead of pulling through the drive-through again I shamefully drove 20 mins away to the next Dairy Queen and got another there.


3. Burrito All Day

I once ate 4 burritos in one day. Woke up, and nobody was home, so I bought a burrito. My sister called me hours later asking if I wanted anything from the taco shop, since there were no witnesses to my earlier meal, I asked her to buy me a burrito. Ate it. 

Then she left for work or something. Then my brother called, and asked if I wanted anything from the taco shop, again there were no witnesses so I said another burrito. Ate it. Then I went drinking with friends. And here in San Diego, everybody goes to the taco shop afterward. So I had another burrito.


4. Fart Bomb

About half an hour ago I farted really bad in the chip aisle at the supermarket. It was silent but deadly. I got the hell out of there when I smelled it since there was no one around and no one would know it was me once I cleared the scene. Didn’t think something so embarrassing would happen. 

When I looped around to go to the checkout a few mins later there was some kid running around and stopped dead in her tracks where I had farted and made the most traumatized disgusted face. Her mother was right behind her and started whispering shouting at her if she had pooped her pants again and she started saying she didn’t.

I know you didn’t kid. It was me. I think it was a tuna sandwich.


5. Just Good at it

I don't work with special needs kids because I love it, or because working with them is the right thing to do. I don't love or care about them any more than I do regular people. When they graduate and leave, I only miss them in the slightest possible way. Like the occasional thought about them that brings almost no feeling.

I do it because I am good at it. I can stay emotionally un-invested, which keeps me calm and patient to extreme degrees. It also makes me a rock, which I feel is very helpful to them.

I play the part about caring so much. When people say stuff like that I just say thank you, and it's such a joy working with them.

In the end, it's just a job I am good at, so I keep doing it.


6. Target’s Basket

I accidentally, absent-mindedly, took one of the red hand baskets from Target nine years ago and never returned it. I had put my bags back in it and carried them out to my car like I would have pushed a cart out. 

I put the whole thing in the trunk and realized when I got home. Side note, I’ve been medicated for ADHD since then.

I use it all the time. Yardwork, cleaning supplies, I’ve taken it on vacation more times than I can count. It’s super convenient and I just can’t part with it.


7. Thrifty Fingers

I try on shoes at an upscale store nearby with no intention of buying. I snap a pic of the box information, look up the shoes online, and buy the pair for half the price elsewhere, or better if they're on eBay or something.

Also, I earn a solid income but buy almost all my clothes at thrift stores. I can't tell my mother any of this or she'd be horrified.


8. Real House

The rental management company had to come by today to take photos of the property, ostensibly so they can expedite any maintenance I might need but ultimately because they want me on the hook for damage.

Little do they know that while my house was lovely today, 24 hours ago it was freaking disgusting, to the point that I'm a little disgusted with myself for being such a slob. The silicon caulking that I replaced in the shower this morning was particularly disturbing.


9. Friend Extra Duties

I love my friend who had a baby recently and I've been offering as much support as possible (she's having a bit of a rough time with it) but Jesus freaking christ I couldn't care less about her newborn poop and sleep cycles.

For the record, I'd never say any of this to her.

I am a parent. I love my friend so much and check in regularly because parenthood is hard AF and super isolating. But I'm firm in saying I don't care about your kid's poop schedule.


10. Spider-Man Fever

When the first Spider-Man game came out on PS4, I was so into it. I woke up one morning for my job at 7 am. I was supposed to be there by 8, but I really wanted to play.

 So I did something so selfish. I called my manager that day and told him I had a migraine. He was also a good friend at work so he believed me. Felt kinda bad for lying… did not feel bad for the hours of fun I had that morning.


11. Momzilla

When I was like 5 years old, I had my first sleepover with my friend Jason. In the morning Jason and I were having Fruit Loops cereal for breakfast. I had never had Fruit Loops cereal before. It was amazing.

  I had a second bowl and when I was closing the box, I pushed the plastic bag down inside the box with my hand and Jason's mom saw this. And said something so overboard and extremely offensive. She said, "Get your filthy hands out of my cereal.".  

I secretly called her a witch under my breath and never hung out with Jason again.


12. Lack of Passion

I lost my job two days ago and I am in no rush to find a new one because I hate working.

I’m not lazy, I do good work, I just hate the idea of going to do something I don’t really enjoy, for a company I don’t really care about, to make the money that I am required to have to pay rent on the place that I’m only living in because of its financial convenience. It wears me down mentally. Feels pointless at times because of the lack of passion.


13. Me Time

My internet went out while I was working at about 11:30 am. I got a final update around 2 that said it should be resolved by 5:45. I texted my sup and told her I would be out for the rest of the day since I’m off at 5. It came back on at about 2:05. 

I didn’t return to work and when my phone rang twice with what I am sure was to reset a password for someone I just ignored it. Then I did something fun. I Doordashed a couple of Philly cheeses. Opened a bottle of wine, rolled a joint, and watched a UFO documentary with my wife. It was worth it.


14. White Lie

I hate cilantro, but I don't think it tastes like soap. I lie to everyone and say that it does taste like soap because everyone immediately accepts that explanation and stops bugging me about it, and if I say I dislike it for other reasons I get the whole, "You just haven't had it prepared correctly," bullcrap argument as if I can't tell that something tastes disgusting when I put it in my mouth.

So I just say, "Yeah, sorry, no cilantro, tastes like soap," and everyone shuts the hell up about it immediately. But it's a lie. It doesn't taste like soap, it just sucks.

For what it's worth, parsley tastes almost the same to me. Like a different flavor of ass. That whole family of herbs is garbage.


15. Fake it ‘til I Make it

I faked a covid test result because I needed a break. 

I worked in a horrible job with horrible management and was so stressed that I was making myself sick but they were so judgy about time off that I felt like I couldn’t take a break unless I really needed to. I told all of my friends and family I had covid and rested for a week and got more of a break than I’ve had in years.


16. No Friends

I don’t have any friends. I don’t know how, at age 59, to make friends. I want friends. I love to socialize. I love being out and trying new things.

 I can’t be very active due to breathing issues, but enjoy being outside. I’m tired of being lonely but can’t tell anyone. I have adult kids and grandkids I see all the time, weekly, we even have fun together. But I want my own friends. And no one knows I’m not happy. I never complain.


17. Crazy Experience

When I was a kid, I grabbed the eyes of a kid in a "guess who!!!" sort of joke, from behind. I couldn't've been more than 11, but the kid freaked out and screamed bloody murder like I was a predator. I then freaked out too and put my hand over their mouth to shut them up. Then, their mom started calling for them, and even though they said they were fine, I knew I was in trouble, so I tried to hide, but when I couldn't find a place to, I just ran like hell like I had committed a freaking robbery.

I ran all the way home, changed my clothes, sat down on the couch, and flipped the TV on. My mom came and asked what was going on, I said nothing, and lied about having been at the park with friends a moment ago. Seems the other mom called my mom and told me what her kid had told her: that I had somehow violently assaulted her kid.

I said I didn't- I just grabbed their eyes from behind to surprise them, I thought it was my friend! But she did not know my real reason for doing it. My mom either believed me or didn't think it was a big deal, so she called the mom back, explained what I said, and they arranged a date for me to apologize, which I did as sincerely as I could. The truth is... I didn't think they were my friend. They were just a random kid I thought would be fun to surprise. I didn't know they'd freak out.


18. Weekly Reminder

I call my grandmother once a week on Sunday night, because with COVID restrictions and things in aged care her world has gotten pretty small. She often answers the phone without knowing why I was able to call her weekly.

 She always answers "Hello faithful, gosh you never forget do you?" but the truth is a lot of the time I only remember because I've set a weekly reminder on my phone. It's not that I don't think of her or anything, it's just easy to get distracted. I certainly don't tell her about it.


19. Pony Thief

Back when I was 8, I gave my friend my little pony as a birthday present. I actually really wanted that pony. Then just to have it, I never thought I'd do the meanest thing on earth. 

In class, I stole it out of her bag. The next day she came up to me saying she lost the pony and was really sad about it, I said it was okay and I’ll help to search for it. To this day, I still have the pony.


20. Baby Formula

I thought about stealing today. I wasn’t able to get baby formula at the register. Idk why, I never had trouble before getting it with food stamps. The same brand I’ve bought for months. It was humiliating. Just we try so hard and when I couldn’t buy the stupid formula, I felt so tiny. But I did not think something wonderful was about to happen. The guy behind me got after me for not doing WIC, but I don’t have a car during the day (when they are open) and I have babies, so I can’t take the bus without car seats…

He pitied me and bought one can for me. It was very kind of him, but I felt bad taking it. I wished with every fiber of my being that I had just stolen the stupid cans. This poor dude who is also on food stamps shouldn’t have spent that money on me. I just felt very sad. We do our best and it just feels like the universe can’t stop punching us down.