Everyone except for Steve Lickteig knew about the dark secret in his family. “I found out that everything I knew about myself was a lie,” he recalls.
Like many adopted children, Steve hoped to learn more about his birth parents. But when he finally got to the truth, he realized that the couple who adopted him had been lying to him for years.
His Childhood
In the early 1970s, Mary Jane and Dog Lickteig welcomed Steve into their family. He and eight other children lived in a small farmhouse in Emporia, Kansas.
Steve spent most of his childhood playing with his brothers and sisters on the farm and helping his father with housework. By all accounts, he had a normal childhood.
He Was Adopted
Steve's parents told him at a very young age that he wasn't biologically their son. Nevertheless, he never felt like an outsider in the family.
But as the years went by, he started to feel that something was off about his adoptive parents.
Something Wasn't Right
“I didn’t know why my mom and dad wanted me when they had so many children of their own already,” he recalled thinking.
Raising nine children was challenging for the couple, especially since they didn't have much money. So, why would they adopt another child when they already had eight of their own?
It Didn't Make Sense
While it didn't make sense to little Steve, he didn't think much of it at the time. He figured the couple just wanted to help him knowing that his adoptive parents didn't want anything to do with him.
However, it was only years later that Steve would realize there was a secret lingering in the family. And he was the only one who didn't know about it.
He Was Loved
Looking back, he remembers being surrounded by love and support. Since he was the youngest child in the family, they were all very protective of him.
However, he couldn't stop thinking about his biological parents. And as he grew older, he decided he was going to find them.
Planning To Meet His Biological Parents
Steve's friend recalled him saying how he was planning to meet his biological parents. According to a movie trailer about his life, Steve "always wondered who his real parents were and planned to search for them as an adult."
However, when he started asking his family and friends for help, they always seemed to get tense.
Getting To The Truth
Steve used to think to himself that maybe adoption was just a sensitive topic for them. Little did he know at the time that everyone knew about his biological parents all along.
For years, they had been hiding the truth from him. And it wasn't until Steve turned eighteen that he finally met his biological mother.
The Graduation Night
Steve was 18 years old when he graduated from high school and was looking forward to attending his graduating ceremony.
But first, he decided to celebrate this special occasion with his two best friends: Alan and Vance. So, he invited both of them over to his farmhouse for some food and games. But, when they arrived, he could feel that something was off about them.
The Day Of
Alan and Vance were mentally preparing themselves to tell Steve the truth about his family. They couldn't keep it to themselves any longer.
"I don't have a strong recollection of it, actually," Steve said in an interview. Nothing could've prepared him for what he was about to find out.
Learning The Truth
“But what I do remember is it was right before high school graduation, the night before. Alan and Vance walked into my bedroom, and they shut the door behind them.”
His friends looked at him and said: "We have something that we want to tell you."
The Dark Secret
Steve just stood there confused. What were they talking about? “Then Vance just blurted it out,” he said.
"It just sort of came out of him." Vance said, "I know who your mom is." He told him that his biological mother had been living in the same town as him this entire time.
Everyone Knew About It
So, Steve's road trip to see his parents would've been useless because his mother was his older sister, Joanie.
“I was not some random child, even though I fully believed I was adopted by strangers,” he said in an interview. “But Don and Mary Jane were not strangers. They were really my grandparents, and Joanie, who I believed was my oldest sister, was my mother.” So how did this all happen?
His Sister Is His Biological Mother
He was speechless as his friends continued to explain the whole story. “They told me that they had known for basically their entire lives and that everybody I had grown up with had known for their entire lives,” Steve said.
His siblings, friends, neighbors, teachers - they all knew about it.
So Many Lies
“I think that was actually the biggest blow to me,” Steve recalls. “It wasn’t some intimate, private secret, but it was this knowledge of who I was that was out in the open, out in the world, and I had no control over it.”
Steve couldn't believe they had been lying to him this entire time. "Okay, thanks," he remembers saying to Vance. So what happened the next day at graduation?
Feeling Strange
Steve didn't know what to say to his friends, so he changed the topic, and they spent the remaining time playing games. That night, he couldn't fall asleep thinking about what he had just learned.
Steve decided not to mention it to his parents and went to his graduation ceremony as if nothing had happened the night before. But soon, he would find himself in a difficult situation and wouldn't be able to pretend any longer.
Staying Quiet
It took Steve 18 years to learn the truth about his adoptive parents. He didn't know how his family would react if they found out he knew about their secret. So, he decided not to tell them about it just yet.
“I held it in for another month and a half,” he shared in an interview. But one day, he decided enough was enough and confronted his family.
He Wanted Answers
Steve approached his adoptive parents and told them about everything. He knew his relationship with them would never be the same, but it was something that had to be addressed.
"And she looked at me, my mother Mary Jane, and said, 'I have no idea what you're talking about,'" Steve recalled.
His Mother Didn't Want To Admit
However, Steve didn't give up and continued pressuring her to tell him the truth. "Well, I know everything. I know what the truth is."
Still, Mary Jane continued to deny having any understanding of what he was talking about. Then, his father Don heard the conversation and stepped in.
His Grandfather Stepped In
Steve's grandfather was becoming more and more frustrated as Mary Jane continued to deny the truth.
"Finally, my dad slammed his hand down on his La-Z-Boy and said 'Damn it, will you just tell him?'" Steve recalled.
It Was True
It was then that Mary Jane gave in and confessed to everything. She admitted that she was his biological grandmother and her daughter was his biological mother.
It was too much for Steve. And before she could finish her story, he stood up and rushed out of the house.
Running Away
“Then, being an 18-year-old and angry, I ran away,” Steve said. I got into a car and drove to the nearest town, which was 20 miles away, rented a motel room.”
He didn't want to be alone, so he invited a few friends to join him.
Searching For Steve
The word about Steve running away had spread quickly in his small town, and Joanie was able to track him down. She wanted to apologize to him and explain the whole story.
So she found the motel he was staying in and called his room. Would Steve agree to see her?
She Apologized
"We had a moment of, 'Yes, this happened. I'm sorry,'" he recalled his mother saying. When Joanie was younger, she ran away from her strict Catholic family and moved to Los Angeles. It was there that she met a guy and got pregnant.
She decided to return home and confess to her parents about everything. In order for Joanie to live a normal life, her parents took in Steve as their own and asked others to keep it a secret.
She Didn't Want To Lose Him
Joanie hoped Steve would forgive her for lying to him. "She said that she did not want to give me up," he said to NPR.
"My parents say that's not true, that she needed the help. I think, as most things, it falls somewhere in the middle."
Too Much To Bear
“I do believe what she told me is the story: If we’re going to go down this road, this is the story that we’re going to use, and you’re going to stick to it. And that’s when all the family members were told.” Steve continued.
Still, it was difficult for him to accept the fact that he had been lied to for 18 years.“We didn’t talk about it again for another 15 years,” he shared.
The Hard-To-Swallow Truth
These few months had turned Steve's life upside down. “Everything I knew about myself was a lie.”
“In hindsight, I’m like, ‘Oh yeah, of course!’…It just seemed very normal because the story was so locked in. So no, I didn’t really suspect anything,” he continued.
Feeling Betrayed
Steve's relationship with his parents hasn't been the same ever since he learned about the secret they kept from him. He felt betrayed and hurt.
That phone call with Joanie had changed his life dramatically. “It was never spoken of again after that day, you know, not until 15 years later,” he said in an interview. “We just didn’t talk about it. And it sounds melodramatic to me, but I changed that day.”
It Changed His Life
"I was a really happy-go-lucky guy in high school, and something kind of shut off in me, and the relationship sort of just became nothing. It was just obligatory, and it was that way with the whole family," Steve recalls.
“I felt they were all sort of in on it, so I just separated myself.” But then, after 15 years, Steve finally felt ready to talk to his family again.
Getting In Touch With His Birth Mother
For Steve, everything changed when he met his future wife. She was the one who encouraged him to build a relationship with his family.
He started talking to his birth mother again after 15 years. “She does send birthday cards to my children,” he said. “We’re building something over time, but it takes a long time to get to another place and we’ve just been trying to make that happen.”
Making Small Progress
Although Steve's relationship with Joanie is moving forward, things will never be the same again. "It's just been hard for me," he shared.
They don't talk that often. "It is not the best, but it is not horrible, either," Steve said about his relationship with Joanie.
Open Secret
Steve made a documentary explaining his life story called Open Secret. However, his birth mother didn't want to be involved in it.
Regardless of the current situation, Steve remains optimistic. “I feel like we are ultimately going to be in a good place.”